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The Pound feeling a bit low lately
International currency Pound Sterling has complained of feeling a little ‘low’ recently. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said the concrete form of abstract promise. “I usually feel so strong, ready to go up against any other currency in the market, but lately I just feel… diminished.” Friends of the currency have noted a […]
Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren’t Topical Anymore
A writer of fake news stories has solemnly deleted several unfinished stories after it emerged that they were no longer topical and he was too fucking slow/busy to finish them. “I was quite proud of some of them,” the careerless wannabe writer told us. “The most recent was Richard Branson’s Bike Unoccupies Him. Neatly encapsulated […]
Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well
The US has been hit by revelations that presidential hopeful Donald Trump is perfectly healthy. Footage has been released on several occasions that show Trump speaking unintelligibly into a microphone with a look of confusion on his face, a common symptom of Alzheimer’s. He is also known to exhibit random exclamations of an extreme racist […]
Woman Emerges from Four-Year Clickbait Coma
A 37-year-old woman has started on the long road to recovery after emerging from a four-year clickbait induced coma. Since 2012, Clara James has been kept in a private room at Nottingham’s Queen’s Hospital, where she was permanently sat in front of a laptop that was always plugged in to ensure the chain of clickbait […]
Hipster Trunks Manufacturers Still Waiting for Increase in Sales
Manufacturers of men’s hipster trunks are still waiting for the current increase in hipsters to lead to an increase of sales of their ridiculous underwear. We caught up with Phil McGregor, CEO of Melvin Stein Underwear: “It goes against all our prediction. Our products are called hipsters. They themselves are called hipsters. It should be […]
Labour No Longer Even Backed by D:Ream
Labour have been left disappointed after it was revealed that their former cheerleaders, pop band D:Ream, no longer support Labour. The band’s song Things Can Only Get Better became the official anthem for Labour’s 1994 election campaign, helping them into power despite the general message being really fucking cynical if you think about it. D:Ream […]
Political Scientists Flummoxed by Schrodinger’s Train Phenomenon
Political scientists up and down the country have become flummoxed by a rare phenomenon known as Schrödinger’s Train Syndrome. The recently observed phenomenon occurs on Virgin trains and involves observation of train seats by people from the Labour party. People with no emotional stake in the Labour party merely see a train. If viewed by […]
New T-shirts for Sale!
Not content with hating sport silently? Why not alienate your sporty friends by insulting them with a passive-aggressive t-shirt? Tell them what they know to be true deep inside by putting it in words across your chest, where they can read it and be enlightened while simultaneously admiring/laughing at your body. The t-shirts come in […]
Corbyn Kidnapped by Labour MPs after Hunting Rare Pokémon
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has been kidnapped after being lured into an alley in the belief that he was chasing a rare Electachu pokémon. Once in the alley, Mr Corbyn was so distracted by his phone screen that he was easily subdued by a group of Labour MPs, who bundled him into a van and […]
Theresa May Resigns as Prime Minister
In the latest twist of the complicated saga that is modern politics, newly appointed Prime Minister and leader of the Tory party Theresa May has handed in her resignation. When asked why she had made the decision, she stated: “It was time.” A hasty leadership election was called an hour ago, but all four […]
The Sceptical Poet 