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Donald Trump Taps Father Christmas for Foreign Secretary 

santa-in-the-cabinet

Father Christmas has been appointed to Foreign Secretary in the upcoming Trump administration.

The bearded globetrotter was considered the ideal choice to export Trump’s version of America across the world.

Donald Trump explained his choice at a media conference by tweeting via his mobile to the journalists standing right in front of him:

“Nic is the best ambassador. A true internationalist. He tells it like it is to all the kids across the world.

“And he’s white. And German.”

It is thought that this is Trump’s attempt to put a friendly face on his terrifying selection of inhuman religious nutjobs for his administration.

“He’s always smiling,”

said Ivanka Trump, who should not have anything to do with this really.

“His white and bearded Bible-elder face puts people at ease, especially all the rowdy foreign ones that depend on American goodwill. And he’s always fair. If you’re good to America, then he’s good to you. If you’re bad, well… he has a sack of drones in the back of his sleigh. They’re either going to bring you wonderful gifts or missiles. It’s up to you. It’s just like the thrashing sticks of old!”

Despite confusion about his origins (there are rumours that he’s Dutch or even Finnish, but Trump has declined to ask for his birth certificate) Father Christmas has already visited Trump towers, and has added some important patriotic blue to his white and red uniform.

When asked about his new job by ungrateful reporters from a bleeding-heart-liberal newspaper, Christmas said:

“Ho ho ho! And what are you getting for Christmas? Arrested!”

donald-trump-and-santa

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The Sceptical Poet Shop Now Open!

cup 2

The next phase of our shameless money-grabbing exercise has begun!

You can now buy Sceptical Poet themed t-shirts, mugs and other products at our new shop, which can be found here:

https://shop.spreadshirt.co.uk/thescepticalpoet

Or alternatively, click the Shop menu option above.

The range of products is currently small, but we are working on many designs which will be appearing over the next few months.

So if you’ve always wanted our words written across your chest in some misguided attempt to look smart or funny, or yet another wittily designed cup to fill up more shelf space in your kitchen (who needs food?), then this is the place to visit.

BUY OUR STUFF!

BUY OUR STUFF!

BUY OUR STUFF!

(only if you want to, obviously)

 

Cheers!

The Sceptical Poet team (one guy)

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The Sceptical Poet is now on Patreon!

Baby with a sad expression on his face and heart shaped catch lights in his eyes representing love.  Isolated on Black.

At the moment, stories for the Sceptical Poet are written in our spare time under a cloud of shame. Our children watch us mournfully while we type a few hundred words, delaying their meals by whole minutes of time. This situation cannot continue.
But there is an answer!

Give us money!

At Patreon, you can pay us for the content we produce (you can apply a monthly cap). If you would like to support us, please follow the link!

In addition, we promise to hold a referendum on the UK’s membership of the world. Every year, the UK gives ¬£350 squillion squillion to the world. We would put that money into the NHS.

Donate to the Sceptical Poet and save our NHS!

(The Sceptical Poet takes no responsibilities for any lies in the above statements)

 

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Dad, What the F#*@?

by Kevin Harris

by Kevin Harris

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Happy Christmas !

by Kevin Harris

by Kevin Harris

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Bar Humbug

by Kevin Harris

by Kevin Harris

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Bad Christmas Presents…

by Kevin Harris

by Kevin Harris

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Tories to Continue Mistreating Real Immigrants in Honour of Andrew Sachs

manuel

Now that the actor who played their favourite immigrant has died, cabinet MPs have promised to continue oppressing real immigrants as a tribute to the long-suffering Spanish waiter Manuel.

“I used to love watching Fawlty Towers as a child,”

said the right hon. Margaret Neckdemon.

“I adored the way Basil treated Manuel as sub-human just because he worked for him and was struggling with the English language. All those moments where he physically assaulted him were classic slapstick comedy up there with Stalin, I mean Chaplin. Our whole family laughed every time, and it made us feel better about giving abuse to our Portuguese housekeeper. If something’s funny enough then it can’t be racist. We intend to uphold this wonderful British tradition by oppressing immigrants using British law, but do it in a humourous way.

“The best thing about Fawlty Towers is that it was acceptable in public to find it funny. Everyone loved Fawlty Towers, even bleeding heart liberals. Maybe it’s because Manuel was Spanish, and they’re not that dark-skinned there. It’s basically just extra England but further south. I’m moving there when I retire, actually.”

The right hon. Derek Wafflescrote agreed.

“It just showed real life,”

he said.

“No-one got hurt. Manuel always laughed aswell. It was just banter. That’s why everytime we send an immigrant packing we’re going to give them a playful clip round the ear and glare at them menacingly. They know we love them really.”

The right hon. British media also paid tribute to Sachs’ most famous/only show:

“Fawlty towers united everyone,”

said Janet Excusemonger in the Guardian.

“The truth that the left doesn’t want to admit is that it wasn’t making fun of immigrants with their funny voices and aura of bewildered fear in the face of irrational British violence; it was actually a serious satirical commentary on bullies like Basil Fawlty. He was the person we were supposed to laugh at. Don’t you understand? What’s wrong with you? It totally wasn’t taking the piss out of Spanish waiters. Bien?”

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