Father Christmas has been appointed to Foreign Secretary in the upcoming Trump administration.
The bearded globetrotter was considered the ideal choice to export Trump’s version of America across the world.
Donald Trump explained his choice at a media conference by tweeting via his mobile to the journalists standing right in front of him:
“Nic is the best ambassador. A true internationalist. He tells it like it is to all the kids across the world.
“And he’s white. And German.”
It is thought that this is Trump’s attempt to put a friendly face on his terrifying selection of inhuman religious nutjobs for his administration.
“He’s always smiling,”
said Ivanka Trump, who should not have anything to do with this really.
“His white and bearded Bible-elder face puts people at ease, especially all the rowdy foreign ones that depend on American goodwill. And he’s always fair. If you’re good to America, then he’s good to you. If you’re bad, well… he has a sack of drones in the back of his sleigh. They’re either going to bring you wonderful gifts or missiles. It’s up to you. It’s just like the thrashing sticks of old!”
Despite confusion about his origins (there are rumours that he’s Dutch or even Finnish, but Trump has declined to ask for his birth certificate) Father Christmas has already visited Trump towers, and has added some important patriotic blue to his white and red uniform.
When asked about his new job by ungrateful reporters from a bleeding-heart-liberal newspaper, Christmas said:
“Ho ho ho! And what are you getting for Christmas? Arrested!”
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Now that the actor who played their favourite immigrant has died, cabinet MPs have promised to continue oppressing real immigrants as a tribute to the long-suffering Spanish waiter Manuel.
“I used to love watching Fawlty Towers as a child,”
said the right hon. Margaret Neckdemon.
“I adored the way Basil treated Manuel as sub-human just because he worked for him and was struggling with the English language. All those moments where he physically assaulted him were classic slapstick comedy up there with Stalin, I mean Chaplin. Our whole family laughed every time, and it made us feel better about giving abuse to our Portuguese housekeeper. If something’s funny enough then it can’t be racist. We intend to uphold this wonderful British tradition by oppressing immigrants using British law, but do it in a humourous way.
“The best thing about Fawlty Towers is that it was acceptable in public to find it funny. Everyone loved Fawlty Towers, even bleeding heart liberals. Maybe it’s because Manuel was Spanish, and they’re not that dark-skinned there. It’s basically just extra England but further south. I’m moving there when I retire, actually.”
The right hon. Derek Wafflescrote agreed.
“It just showed real life,”
“No-one got hurt. Manuel always laughed aswell. It was just banter. That’s why everytime we send an immigrant packing we’re going to give them a playful clip round the ear and glare at them menacingly. They know we love them really.”
The right hon. British media also paid tribute to Sachs’ most famous/only show:
“Fawlty towers united everyone,”
said Janet Excusemonger in the Guardian.
“The truth that the left doesn’t want to admit is that it wasn’t making fun of immigrants with their funny voices and aura of bewildered fear in the face of irrational British violence; it was actually a serious satirical commentary on bullies like Basil Fawlty. He was the person we were supposed to laugh at. Don’t you understand? What’s wrong with you? It totally wasn’t taking the piss out of Spanish waiters. Bien?”