Father Christmas has been appointed to Foreign Secretary in the upcoming Trump administration.
The bearded globetrotter was considered the ideal choice to export Trump’s version of America across the world.
Donald Trump explained his choice at a media conference by tweeting via his mobile to the journalists standing right in front of him:
“Nic is the best ambassador. A true internationalist. He tells it like it is to all the kids across the world.
“And he’s white. And German.”
It is thought that this is Trump’s attempt to put a friendly face on his terrifying selection of inhuman religious nutjobs for his administration.
“He’s always smiling,”
said Ivanka Trump, who should not have anything to do with this really.
“His white and bearded Bible-elder face puts people at ease, especially all the rowdy foreign ones that depend on American goodwill. And he’s always fair. If you’re good to America, then he’s good to you. If you’re bad, well… he has a sack of drones in the back of his sleigh. They’re either going to bring you wonderful gifts or missiles. It’s up to you. It’s just like the thrashing sticks of old!”
Despite confusion about his origins (there are rumours that he’s Dutch or even Finnish, but Trump has declined to ask for his birth certificate) Father Christmas has already visited Trump towers, and has added some important patriotic blue to his white and red uniform.
When asked about his new job by ungrateful reporters from a bleeding-heart-liberal newspaper, Christmas said:
“Ho ho ho! And what are you getting for Christmas? Arrested!”
I’d tap that.