An intensive new study recently conducted at a university with too much spare time has revealed that all humans can be categorised as follows: they all look like either rats or pigs.

The study, by the University of Gonk, covered a twelve month period and featured at least four human specimens and two puppets. The puppets, known only as Bert and Ernie, are said to be the inspiration behind the study.

“We studied them in secret, as they went about their daily business,” said professor Gonk, head of Puppetry Symbolism.

“We concluded that their face shapes and personalities are representative of society as a whole. Humans (and in this case, puppets) can all be pigeonholed in one of two ways: either as a Bert, or as an Ernie. A type 1 or a type 2. Or, to put it in a slightly more newsworthy way: a rat or a pig.”

Mr Gonk, the university’s founder, insists that his study is valid and provides a deep insight into the psyche of the two main personality types of human beings. He denies vehemently that his university bought its credentials off the internet like Gillian McKeith or Ben Goldacre’s dead cat.

To find out if you are a Bert or an Ernie, take the following simple test:

A. look in the mirror (or the more hipster of you can take a selfie).

B. hold up a picture of Bert and Ernie for comparison. If you don’t have a picture of Bert and Ernie to hand, Michael McIntyre and Sarah Jessica Parker will do.

C. decide who you look the most like.

And in case you were wondering, the good folks at The Sceptical Poet are all rats. By now, you probably have enough information about us to stalk us, should you wish to do so.