A writer of fake news stories has solemnly deleted several unfinished stories after it emerged that they were no longer topical and he was too fucking slow/busy to finish them.

“I was quite proud of some of them,” the careerless wannabe writer told us. “The most recent was Richard Branson’s Bike Unoccupies Him. Neatly encapsulated the Virgin/Corbyn stuff in the news, along with Branson’s bike accident. Unfortunately Branson’s accident was only in the news for one day, and everyone’s forgotten the Corbyn on the floor of a train stuff. So I binned that. I’m assuming Branson’s ok. He looked rough.

“Another one was, Five Minutes Pass Without Somebody Mentioning Trains.

“Binned. It’s been longer than five minutes. And technically people talk about trains a lot. Especially Southern Rail, who everyone in the South seems to hate. I’d have written a story about that but I live in the North and so have no idea. Newsthump and Daily Mash are wiping the floor with me on that one.

“To be honest, most of them were just titles anyway. I could probably get away with just publishing a title if I was brave enough, as people just fill in the rest of the story in their own mind, click ‘like’ and don’t bother to read the full story. It’s what I do.”

The writer says he feels like a weight has been lifted from him.

“There was too many of them. It’s a relief to be honest.

“Some of them were barely jokes: The Human Rights Act to be Replaced by a Pile of Cream Pies; David Cameron Leaves Giant Turd in Number 10 for Theresa May.

“Some were too mean: People With no Desire to Impress Bored Shitless by the Olympics.

“Some too niche: Jeremy Corbyn Possessed by Power of Genesis.

“There was a pile of dead stories about Harambe the gorilla: Gorilla’s Mum to Blame Say People Who Hate Mums; Kaley Cuoco to Star as Harambe in New Film. That last one only makes sense if you watch the Big Bang Theory. It just piggybacked on someone else’s joke. I’m such a lazy twat.”

It is thought that the deletion of these unfinished stories has freed up 7.1 gigabytes of free space on the writer’s WordPress account.