Manufacturers of men’s hipster trunks are still waiting for the current increase in hipsters to lead to an increase of sales of their ridiculous underwear.

We caught up with Phil McGregor, CEO of Melvin Stein Underwear:

“It goes against all our prediction. Our products are called hipsters. They themselves are called hipsters. It should be a natural coming together. But sales are actually going down. We suspect they don’t wear underwear so they can dangle free and feel superior. Well, wake up call, guys. You don’t feel superior, you’re just ever so slightly aroused from the rubbing of your jeans on your penises. You’ll be sorry when it starts to bleed due to your rough starchy taste in jeans.”

Timmy Hopjugger are also experiencing a drop in sales. Their CEO Derek Farmer told us:

“It’s been suggested that our products’ sales are down because people have cottoned on to how uncomfortable and constricting they are. Well, to those who say that, I say this: do you really want kids anyway? You don’t need a high sperm count. Think of all the hipster trunks you could be wearing instead of having potentially unfashionable children. You’d be the most hipster hipster ever. Hipster squared.”

It’s not all bad. Checked shirts, bottles of beard oil and laptops are selling more than ever before, while barber shops are now the most successful high street business:

“It’s a wonderful time to be alive,” said Art McFunk, proprietor of Ye Gentlemen’s Barber Shoppe in Liverpool. “Business is booming. Every day I get to stand in the doorway of my barbers, twiddling my massive waxed moustache and casting my imperious gaze over the passers-by. They completely respect me and don’t think I’m a wanker at all.”