In a clear statement that is in no way contradictory or unworkable, PM Theresa May has outlined her party’s stance on what they want from Brexit.

In a speech at Westminster that no-one in Europe got to hear, Theresa May said:

“All we want from the EU when we leave is to continue recieving all the money and trade deals that we currently do, whilst having no interaction at all with anyone who lives on the European mainland. What’s so wrong with that?”

In a statement to the press afterward, she said:

“It’s completely reasonable to want all the money, trade and benefits that come from being in the EU without having to look at anyone who isn’t British. You don’t have to set foot on our landmass to send us money, and you certainly don’t have to come and work here. We already do a good job of employing our native people and educating them and that kind of thing. Nothing wrong there at all. I don’t see the problem.”

Critics (ie, everyone in the UK scared shitless by the lack of any coherent plan for what was a stupid fucking idea in the first place) say May’s plans are unworkable, childish and downright racist.

May shrugged off such claims with some gibberish:

“People say that what we’re asking for sounds like still being in the EU, but with a Nazi salute and a fuck you at the end. But I say Brexit means Brexit, which means whatever it means, which is something that isn’t what you said, or at the very least will be when we decide what it is.”

Meanwhile, a new set of polls are saying that Brexit will never happen, but as we have learnt, listening to polls is a very, very stupid idea.