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Young Musician Refuses to Become Famous Until He’s at Least 70

Posted by thepoetscane on April 22, 2016 in Latest News

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A 19 year old singer and songwriter has refused to become famous until he’s at least 70, on the off-chance it could kill him if he doesn’t.

The guitarist from England, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have turned down a record deal and only advertises his songs on Myspace where no-one will see them.

“It’s the only safe option. Lemmy, Bowie, they’re gone forever, taken down by an over-eager grim reaper. I want to be famous, but I also want to live. There’s a guy down my local pub. Never done anything of note in his life. He’s 80. Drinks like a fish and shows no signs of slowing down. If I can just get to 69 I’ll beat the curse, and then I can become as famous as I want. It’s the only way.”

Jimmy (not his real name) performs locally at badly advertised gigs with no…

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Grim Reaper Fired for Reaping Celebs Before their Time

Posted by thepoetscane on April 22, 2016 in Latest News

thepoetscane's avatarThe Sceptical Poet

By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA (Grim Reaper, Greenwich Village) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA (Grim Reaper, Greenwich Village) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons The Grim Reaper, real name Darth Balls, has finally been caught and fired after going off-grid and reaping celebrities that annoyed him.

Concerns were first raised about Mr Balls a few decades ago, when the song Don’t Fear the Reaper by the Blue Oyster Cult was released. He was caught ranting at a cocktail party held by the King of Sleep, saying:

“Don’t fear me? I’ve come to kill you! Don’t they realise how bad this is for business? Bloody musicians, I should reap the lot of them.”

No-one thought much of his comments back then. Mr Balls was known for getting worked up when drunk. It wasn’t until years later when it was revealed that he’d secretly been reaping oysters way before their time that his employers began keeping an eye…

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Grim Reaper at it Again

Posted by thepoetscane on April 22, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, Out of This World

The Grim Reaper has again absconded from his employers to reap random celebrities.

The Reaper was sacked last year for reaping musicians that annoyed him, but was re-instated recently after doctors insisted he’d since made a full mental recovery.

“He’s definitely fucking fired this time,” said his employer, Fate. “Every five minutes he reaps another poor soul. Still mostly musicians and comedians, except he’s branching out to wrestlers now, so I’m told. Limbo is backed up, there’s nowhere for anyone to go.”

We caught up with the latest celebrity to pass over, the soul formerly alive as Prince, standing bewildered in a queue of celebrities in Limbo:

“What the hell? I was only 57. I wasn’t even ill. Hey, is that Victoria Wood?”

It is thought that the Reaper is still at large.

A letter was found in his flat this morning about creating the underworld’s ‘biggest ever variety performance’.

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Android and SD Card Divorce Because of Differences Over Where Their Music Collection Should be Stored

Posted by thepoetscane on April 15, 2016 in Entertainment, Health and Lifestyle, Latest News

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Phone operating system Android and it’s partner SD Card have finally divorced, citing long-term diagreements over where their music collection should be kept.

The news comes as no surprise to their friends, who say that there have been problems between the two of them for years now.

“They were so happy in the early days,” said mutual friend Apple. “They worked perfectly together. Then as time went on Android kept updating itself until it just couldn’t get along with SD anymore.

“It was always over the bloody music. Android kept asking SD to look after at least some of it, as it just didn’t have the room anymore, but SD was having none of it.

“We used to say to them, don’t buy so much music, but they wouldn’t listen. A lot of people blame SD for refusing to take the music, but I think Android just didn’t ask right. He refused to change his settings.”

It is thought the final straw was the time Android had a complete meltdown in the street and started screaming at SD:

“But it’s what you’re for! Just take the music, I’ve got no room! Please! It makes no sense! It makes no fucking sense!”

It is unknown what is happening to their music collection.

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Haddaway Claims to have Never Received Satisfactory Answer to his Question ‘What is Love?’

Posted by thepoetscane on April 14, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News

By Sven Mandel (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Sven Mandel (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The pop singer Haddaway, who back in 1992 asked the world ‘What is Love?’, claims he has still never received a satisfactory answer.

The Trinidadian-German musician has continued to make music since 1992, but it is his hit single ‘What is Love?’ that people remember. That being a given, Haddaway can’t understand why nobody bothered to answer him.

“It was a heartfelt question. I really shouted those words: WHAT IS LOVE??!! It was very clearly enunciated. But no-one answered me. I even re-released the record a couple of times, and still nothing. Science hasn’t helped. Neither have romance novels. Or agony aunts. What is love? Seriously, what is love?!”

According to Haddaway, he did receive a couple of letters from fans telling him that they knew what love was, and that they felt it for him. However, he feels they didn’t really answer the question, and as one of them has now been arrested for stalking he suspects they didn’t really know the answer anyway.

Two years ago, Haddaway joined a support group for fellow sufferers of the same situation. The group’s leader, David Coverdale from the band Whitesnake, spoke to us:

“All our stories are different. Haddaway was asking about the nature of love on a very primal level. Fellow member Lou Gramm from Foreigner wanted to know what love was in general, but then he never really phrased it as a question so that’s why he never got an answer. I myself wanted to know if love was a specific emotion that I was feeling, and had been searching for. We have all had our hearts broken, and are still confused about love. This group gives us hope.”

The original group was formed by Bob Marley. Haddaway also says people continue to hurt him despite specifically asking them not to.

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