Concerns were first raised about Mr Balls a few decades ago, when the song Don’t Fear the Reaper by the Blue Oyster Cult was released. He was caught ranting at a cocktail party held by the King of Sleep, saying:
“Don’t fear me? I’ve come to kill you! Don’t they realise how bad this is for business? Bloody musicians, I should reap the lot of them.”
No-one thought much of his comments back then. Mr Balls was known for getting worked up when drunk. It wasn’t until years later when it was revealed that he’d secretly been reaping oysters way before their time that his employers began keeping an eye on him. No-one cared much about the oysters, but when Lemmy and David Bowie were culled despite having another 47 years of life left between them, his employers decided to act. Sadly, Glenn Frey fell just before Darth was caught, but the danger is now thought to be over.
“Mr Balls has been sacked and his affairs will be fully investigated. No-one’s heard from Ozzy Osborne for a while, so it’s important we make sure that Darth didn’t get him aswell. In addition, Mr Balls has had his license to kill revoked. He will never reap again.”
It is thought that Mr Balls will be replaced by someone with less hatred of the arts. There are also plans to modernise the position, with the possibility of Mr Balls’ replacement wearing dungarees and wielding a lawnmower. Many critics feel it’s a step backwards.