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Young Musician Refuses to Become Famous Until He’s at Least 70


A 19 year old singer and songwriter has refused to become famous until he’s at least 70, on the off-chance it could kill him if he doesn’t.

The guitarist from England, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have turned down a record deal and only advertises his songs on Myspace where no-one will see them.

“It’s the only safe option. Lemmy, Bowie, they’re gone forever, taken down by an over-eager grim reaper. I want to be famous, but I also want to live. There’s a guy down my local pub. Never done anything of note in his life. He’s 80. Drinks like a fish and shows no signs of slowing down. If I can just get to 69 I’ll beat the curse, and then I can become as famous as I want. It’s the only way.”

Jimmy (not his real name) performs locally at badly advertised gigs with no nearby bus route, and wears a mask on stage. There has been a slight hiccup in his plans, as increasing numbers of people are turning out to see the mysterious ‘masked’ singer, which is threatening to make him famous. Jimmy’s response has been to insult the crowd and play really badly, which he says is starting to work.

Jimmy’s mum has branded his plans daft, stating that he can’t earn a living this way and he should burn bright and die relatively youngish like the best of them.

“He’s going to be living at mine for decades at this rate,” she complained. “I keep telling him there’s no call for 70-year-old newcomers in the music industry, but he won’t listen.”

Jimmy argues that in this era of reality TV everybody gets famous, and this will be more so in the future.

“I’ll be one of the few over-70s out there. The novelty alone will push me to the top. I could do Big Brother; it’s basically the reality TV version of an old people’s home anyway. And I plan to eat and drink well for the next 50 years and to look after my voice. I’m giving up alcohol and late nights. It’s going to be a wild ride when I eventually get there. The whole world will know my name, even if I don’t.”

Jimmy’s debut album will be released in spring 2067.

One comment on “Young Musician Refuses to Become Famous Until He’s at Least 70

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