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Tim Peake: Can I Go Back to Space, Please?

British astronaut Tim Peake, member of the main crew of the expedition to the International Space Station (ISS), gestures prior the launch of Soyuz TMA-19M space ship at the Russian leased Baikonur cosmodrome, Kazakhstan, Tuesday, Dec. 15, 2015. Peake, the first Briton to represent the European Space Agency aboard the International Space Station, will be away from the planet for six months but looks forward to Earthly pleasures like seeing the new Star Wars movie and having a Christmas pudding. (AP Photo/Dmitry Lovetsky)

Astronaut Tim Peake has responded to the Brexit crisis by demanding to be sent back into space.

“I was only gone five minutes,” he told BBC News. “What have you done, you mad fucking bastards?”

When told that getting a spacecraft ready at such short notice was as likely as the EU letting the UK stay in the union, Peake burst into tears.

“Well, I can’t stay here, it’s worse than the eighties. The Highlands it is then, or maybe Gibraltar. Anywhere I don’t have to have another conversation with a racist or someone who thought their vote wouldn’t actually have any effect.”

Peake’s request has inspired similar ideas. Newly emboldened racists have suggested putting all immigrants (except the ones they like with lighter coloured skin) into spaceships and sending them into space; while world-weary sane people have suggested putting all the racists on a spaceship and just blowing the fucking thing up. People who regretted their leave votes would put themselves in a spaceship and go to Mars, but they’re not sure the rockets would have any effect on leaving the Earth’s gravity.

Speak, or forever hold thy tongue...

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