Oh dear, it’s a month of 18p noodles and economy beans on toast for you, but you had a good time didn’t you ordering all that stuff off Amazon? The glamour and excitement of the previous month has worn off and left you a little deflated. You have probably already failed to give up smoking or drinking, but don’t worry, nobody ever keeps their resolutions and Capricorns have the least stamina of all the signs so no one was expecting you to succeed anyway. I predict you will take four lavender gift sets and a bright green woolly jumper from an elderly relative to your local thrift store this month. I can also see you making the most of the shitty weather by staying in and watching The Wizard of Oz on catch-up with a cup of tea and a box of mint matchmakers. Now is probably definitely the time to start saving for that summer holiday you’ve always dreamed of. Your lucky holiday will have the letter A E I O or U in its name.
Don’t forget your coal and bread at midnight, or you’ll have bad luck, no heating, no food and no friends for an entire year.
One firm’s bid to unite its multi-cultural workforce under a baby jesus shaped umbrella has been ruined by those prankster atheists at Android.
The firm, a pop up The Apprentice style christmas gift shop in Camden, has been the subject of much internet mockage and humiliation this week after, in a hilarious twist of fate, Android’s spellchecker autocorrected the word jumper to ‘hump her’ in a recent email sent to staff.
The email read:
Friday 18th December is to be Christmas hump her day in work. You are not to start work until you have reported to head office for your hump. Your hump will be provided by Betty from payroll. Please thank her for your hump as it’s the only one you’ll be getting this year.
Betty from payroll told us:
“After the third lad came in asking for a hump from me, I started to get suspicious. I’m 67, but I’m a bit of a cougar and I’ve always had a thing for the young ‘uns. That Harry Stiles boy can have his wicked way with me any day. I’m obviously going to sue the company for pimping me out, but secretly it was the best day of my bloody life. Don’t print that bit.”
The firm at the centre of Jumpergate, ChristmasCrapCo said:
“This is most definitely not a marketing stunt on our behalf. Our company is flourishing and we would never need to resort to such lazy tactics to get our faces in The Metro. It’s just a coincidence that the exact same thing has happened three years on the run. CrapCracker anyone?”
David Cameron came under fire this week when it was revealed that he has been outsourcing strategy planning for the war in Syria to his local branch of Games Workshop.
The news came out when a journalist casually visited the shop and noticed that the 3D game board in the middle of the shop looked remarkably like a reconstruction of Syrian terrain.
“It was basically the same as maps of Syria, and instead of meticulously painted models of orcs and space marines there were British war planes and drones, and little racist figurines in turbans. There was a group of pale, long-haired men smelling of pasties sat around it, discussing exit strategies and dice rolls. As soon as they saw me notice, they bundled me out. I heard one on his phone, saying: ‘Tell Dave the secret’s out. Operation Syrian Warhammer is compromised.'”
Cameron reportedly got the idea after watching The Last Starfighter.
He said on Newsnight:
“The army of tomorrow is sitting among us. These guys sitting in Games Workshop playing war games all day may never have been to a real war zone, but they’ve got thousands of hours of strategy experience. Who better to plan our strategy in Syria than people who live, eat and sleep pure war theory? What more do you want? You all derided Blair for having no strategy. Well, I’ve got one!”
The army have been quiet on the issue since it was revealed that most officers effectively graduated straight to the army from Games Workshop anyway.
The rock band Slade today insisted they have released records other than ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’.
Sitting in a Wolverhampton pub and chatting with long term members Noddy Holder and Jim Lea, Noddy told The Sceptical Poet:
“It’s true. We’ve released dozens of singles, and fifteen studio albums. Fifteen!”
At this, guitarist Jim Lea looked confused.
“Are you sure, Nod? Fifteen seems a lot.”
Noddy nodded:
“I’m fairly certain it’s definitely true.”
…
“I don’t know, Nod. I think I’d remember.”
…
“I’m sure we did. We spent years in the studio. We must have done albums. Truth be told though, all I can remember is that song. Performing it every Christmas. Performing it every time I’m recognised in the street. Shout ‘it’s Christmas’, Noddy’! Christ. Not again. Fucking nightmare.”
It can’t all be bad, we offered. The yearly royalties alone must help pay the bills?
“Well, yeah,” agreed Noddy. “I just wish people remembered our other stuff. You’re a journalist, aren’t you? What else did we do?”
Er.
“God, there was this one song, it was called something, something something something… What was it, Jim?”
“I’m still not convinced we did any other records.”
“That’s it, I’m ringing Dave. He’ll know.”
Pause.
“Dave? It’s Noddy. … Your frontman. … What are you talking about? Shut the front door! … Well, ok, bye.”
Everything ok, Noddy?
“Apparently me and Jim quit the band in 1992.”
“Oh yeah,” said Jim. “I’d forgotten about that.”
“I swear blind we did loads of records. We fucking must have! Ah, let’s look at the jukebox.” Noddy gets up, scans the jukebox. “Sade… Siouxsie and the Banshees… There we are: Slade! Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s just ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’. JOHN! How come on your jukebox you’ve got eight songs by Snow Patrol, but only one by us? They’ve only been around five minutes.”
John the landlord shouts back:
“I wasn’t aware you had any other songs, Nod.”
Noddy kicks the jukebox.
“Fuck this shit!”
The cd jumps and ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ comes on the speakers.
John cheers.
“Hey Nod, shout ‘It’s Christmas!” at the end for us! Go on.”
Noddy’s face goes red.
“I’ll give you fucking Christmas.”
Jim ushers us out through the exit.
“It’s probably best you leave now, lads. You don’t want to see this.”
‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ is available to download this Christmas, although quite why you’d bother when it’s playing everywhere anyway, who knows.
It must have begun as a happy day. After nearly thirty years of legal wrangling, the children of the late tyrant Darth Vader (real name, Anakin Skywalker) were finally about to hear what had been left to them in his will. The contents of that document turned out to be a shock for everyone concerned.
Leia fled the room in tears almost immediately when it was revealed she had been left nothing, on account of her father not being aware of her existence until the day of his death. Sadly for Luke it appeared that Emperor Palpatine, being essentially evil, did not pay well, and Vader had very little of any value to leave to his rebellious son.
A hundred credits had been left to pay for the funeral, but as Luke had already burnt his father’s corpse in a private ceremony it was kept for legal fees.
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The Sceptical Poet 