Failing at school?

Not dead yet?

Join the army!

In the army, you get to travel all over the world (although in hot countries your boots might melt). You must be sick of your mum’s bedroom, amiright?

In the army, you get to replace all your failures at school with hand-to-hand combat skills and camouflage pants. Murdering a brown stranger with your fists (or better yet a gun!) is much preferable to kicking a pensioner to death at the end of a depressing drunken night out, isn’t it? That’s nearly happened at least twice already, hasn’t it? I mean, it’s only a matter of time with all that pent-up frustration and aggression, amiright?

Amiright? Amiright?

You’re so damn male. You’re wasted in your shitty home town. Being male in the army is even better. It’s male times a million. There’s loads of you! You get to keep all your male jokes and preoccupations that everyone says are childish, but that you know deep down just mean you’re amazing. You’re so male. The army is so male that you’re allowed to kill people, but because you’re in the army it’s noble, and nothing to do with evil or psychopathic behaviour. You can even kill trainees and cover it up. It’s ok, you’re a man and you’re in the army. Even if some do-gooder took it to a tribunal, it’ll take years and you won’t go to a proper prison anyway. If no-one’s looking, you can even rape some women in a foreign country. As long as you keep it on the down-low and kill them afterwards, who gives a fuck? You’re in the army! The army!

Join the army! Join the army!

You get to learn discipline in the army. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Discipline, dicks and killing. If you can get up at five every morning and polish your gun, you’re a man.

Oh yeah, did we forget to mention that? There’s guns! Lots and lots of guns!

GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!

It’s just like playing Call of Duty!

Ok, some say that the army dehumanises. That humans are not actually hardwired to kill. That training people to be killers scars them mentally for life, and they never recover. That humans are actually nice, and that killing someone gives them PTSD or somesuch…

Well, some are like that. We call them university types. But these days they can sit in an office and press the buttons that commit drone strikes. They won’t feel a thing. They’ll be fine! They’re officers, they’ve got degrees, they don’t have to risk their lives anyway. But that’s not you, is it? You never got that education stuff, you went to the university of life! You’re a proper hard-ass soldier. You’ll get right in there, right on the front line with all the other cool ‘hard’ people. You of all people won’t end up homeless and with mental issues. We all know those tramps with the ‘I was in the army’ signs are full of shit. And even if they were in the army, then they shouldn’t have signed up, the namby-pambies! You are not a namby-pamby, are you? No! You are a soldier!

Join the army! Join the army!

Come to the front line and fight terror with terror! Be the cannon fodder the British Army needs! Let’s remove you from the streets so British society doesn’t notice how shitty it treats its children!

JOIN THE ARMY!

JOIN THE ARMY!

What else are you going to do?