Now that stupid, long bushy beards are back in fashion, the government have decided to reintroduce everybody’s favourite compulsory state contribution: The Beard Tax.

Clean shaven and speaking from his home in Downing Street, Prime Minister David Cameron said:

“Given the new popularity of facial hair, and the success in England and Russia in the 1500s and 1600s of a similar tax, we have decided to reintroduce Beard Tax.” *

The new parliamentary bill reads:

“Starting April 2016 all male and female human personages sporting deliberately grown excessive facial hair, will be taxed. This includes beards, goatees, moustaches, mutton chops and all other forms of over the top sideburns. This list is not exhaustive.”

Taxable rates are yet to be decided but it is believed that the longer the beard or ‘tache, the more the taxpayer has to pay. Children under the age of 18 are exempt from the new law, but women are not.

“We expect to get most of the Beard Tax revenue from twenty-something students. Those ones who wear skinny jeans so skinny they are virtually leggings. Those ones who have trendy tattoo sleeves and smoke E cigarettes and don’t wear coats in the winter. You know the sort,” said Cameron.

Celebrities like Derren Brown and Beppe from Eastenders were all for the legislation.

In contrast, Father Christmas has gone on record saying that this tax will massively affect his seasonal business.

“As if I don’t get taxed enough. I’m already on the highest rate. Toys don’t come cheap, y’know. I’ve got a business to run. How will I feed my elves? It’s just take, take, take with this government.”

* As yet, there are no plans to reintroduce window tax, but we “wouldn’t put it past those right wing dirty rotten scoundrels,” said our newly shaven webmaster.