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Stars of New American Sitcom Argue Over Who is the Superhero

Posted by thepoetscane on May 4, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, World

By Jawny80 at English Wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

By Jawny80 at English Wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The stars of a new American drama about young twenty-somethings who live in some apartments and have jobs and friends and conversations have had a public spat over which of them plays the show’s superhero.

The show is called Some People and follows the lives of six friends in New Jersey as they go about finding their feet in their world and finding love and some other boring shit. The characters are Dave, Dave, Dave, Karen, Karen and Karen, and are played by fresh acting faces Dan Smith, Dan Jones, Dan Doe, Sarah Smith, Sarah Jones and Sarah Michelle Gellar (who isn’t fresh, but felt like acting in something). Initial reception has been lukewarm to middling, but the argument between the cast on Twitter threatens to overshadow its not-quite-success.

Last week, star Dan tweeted:

You guys need to start watching it! I play a man who is a hipster by day and a superhero by night!

Sarah responded:

Dan, I think you’ll find you’re the sidekick. Karen is the superhero. She gets all the big jokes!

To which another Dan said:

What are you two on about? It’s about some people who talk and go to work. There’s no heroics.

And a Sarah said:

Have you even read the script, guys? You were there, filming and saying words.

This conversation went on for two days without really advancing (Barack Obama’s drone-murder count went up by about 212 in this time. No one cared). Eventually the producers waded in:

Producer:

Look guys, it’s not a superhero show. It’s an old-fashioned sitcom about some people.

Dan:

With a guy who has some kind of powers, right?

Producer:

No.

Dan:

But. Who’s the superhero then?

Producer:

No one.

Sarah:

But there has to be a superhero. It’s a TV convention!

Producer:

Most shows in the past never had superheroes. That’s just a recent thing.

Dan:

I don’t understand. My brain hurts.

Producer:

Look. No one has powers. No one has a costume. No one has unresolved daddy issues or a propensity to stylised violence.

Sarah:

What about unnecessary nudity? Moody lighting?

Producer:

No.

Dan:

What are we even making?! WHAT IS THIS SHOW??!!

After a slight delay to filming, the show is now back on track. It is thought that some of the cast are undergoing extra tuition to learn about television before Marvel and DC colonised everything.

Some People is now the tenth highest rated show on American television, after Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Arrow, The Flash, Agents of Shield, Supergirl, Agent Carter, Legends of Tomorrow and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

 

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Chiropractor Claims their Bullshit is less Bullshitty than other Chiropractors’ Bullshit

Posted by thepoetscane on May 3, 2016 in Health and Lifestyle, Latest News, Science, UK, World

See page for author [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

See page for author [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Following on from revelations that some chiropractors are utter twats who crack babies spines, a chiropractor from Hull has claimed that their particular brand of bullshit is less bullshitty than that used by the most bullshitty of chiropractors.

Helen Mauve told the BBC:

“My bullshit is only bullshit with a lower case b. Their bullshit has a big fat capital B at the front. I would never damage a baby with my internet authenticated skillz. I prefer to treat fully grown adults who should know better. Those other chiropractors are so irresponsible. I can tell you now, all my feedback has been positive. The only people who never got back to me are the ones who inexplicably had strokes.”

Helen’s comments prompted angry responses from other chiropractors, who needed to keep up their anger levels to maintain their position and continue fooling themselves that what they do isn’t a horrible and dangerous waste of time:

“Our feedback had been good too,” said one angry chiropractor from Liverpool. “Not one baby has complained. They all cried, but they do that anyway. And any injuries they get are just from the rough and tumble of infant life. It says so in the form I make the parents sign.”

One really angry chiropractor from Dorset said:

“No one realises how hard this work is. It’s really back-breaking work.”

And an angry chiropractor with a side of snark growled:

“People always end up putting down chiropractors. It’s just regression to the mean. Maybe they should look it up.”

It is thought that Helen intends to take her complaints to her local council, or some such place where she can give her opinion and look indignantly at a roomful of people at the same time. Her patients, who all look ill to varying degrees, will be coming along with her to make her opinion look founded in reality.

Meanwhile, the government continues to dismantle the NHS, where the real doctors work.

 

See page for author [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

See page for author [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Ken Livingstone’s Foot to be Evicted from his Mouth

Posted by thepoetscane on April 29, 2016 in Latest News, Politics, UK

By World Economic Forum from Cologny, Switzerland [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By World Economic Forum from Cologny, Switzerland [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Ken Livingstone’s foot has been given its marching orders after outstaying its welcome inside the mouth of their mutual owner.

The foot has stayed in Mr Livingstone’s mouth several times over the years. At first regarded as a lovable scamp, his increasing tendency to turn up unannounced and barge his way in has finally turned the mouth against him.

“It’s just ridiculous,” said Mr Livingstone’s mouth. “He always turns up at the worst time. Everything was great, and now he’s plonked himself right in and won’t leave, and no-one will have anything to do with us anymore.”

The foot has promised to leave, but past history means Livingstone’s hand is sceptical.

“He’ll be back. He always comes back. And I always yank him out and put him back in his place. I don’t like him. He’s anti-semitic. Probably. Maybe.”

When asked his personal opinions on the matter, Mr Livingstone replied:

“Mmbcph mpf m mhhnmf fnm HITLER hmf fmnp.”

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No Such Thing as Winter Say Westerosi Climate Change Sceptics

Posted by thepoetscane on April 25, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, Out of This World, Science

Altered from work by TenTonParasol (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Altered from work by TenTonParasol (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Westeros is experiencing a huge rise in people calling themselves Climate Change Sceptics after winter once again failed to turn up, despite numerous warnings from House Stark that ‘winter is coming’.

We caught up with Hyldon, a smith from the Reach:

“Winter is coming, say the Starks. But what do they know, they’re all dead. They didn’t see that coming, and they didn’t see winter either. I’ve been farming this land for years, and it’s still warm. In fact, this week is even warmer than last week. Why would that happen if winter was coming?”

Almon, a former Maester from Oldtown, agrees:

“There is no such thing as Winter. It’s just a propaganda tool from the Citadel. They want to keep everyone indoors and making blankets. They’re in the pocket of Big Wool. There’s loads of sheep farmers doing really well at the moment, why is that I wonder?”

Even members of the big houses are starting to come around to the notion that winter is not coming:

“It’s been years,” said Jaime Lannister. “Where is this fabled winter? Every day, the Maester at Casterly Rock says ‘oh, soon we’ll have a white raven flying in from the citadel telling us that winter is here’. But where is it? I see no white raven. The old timers say they remember winters from when they were young, but they can barely remember who’s supposed to be fighting who in the war of the five kings, let alone the weather from decades ago.

“Look, if winter is coming, why did my dad’s armies spend so much time burning everybody’s crops? That would be a stupid thing to do wouldn’t it? I mean, we’d have nothing to eat when we get snowed in! Ridiculous. There is no such thing as winter.”

We accosted Grand Maester Pycelle outside the Red Keep in King’s Landing and asked him his thoughts on the movement:

“Well, it’s utter nonsense of course. Winter is definitely real. It is written about in many different books. These people aren’t climate change sceptics, they’re climate change deniers.”

Hyldon is having none of it:

“Pycelle is one of them! Did you see how woolly his robe was? Right in Big Wool’s pocket, he is.”

Almon nodded along.

“We know the truth. There is no such thing as winter. You know what’s coming? More summer. There’s about as much chance as winter turning up as there is of Daenerys Targaryen actually getting on a boat and coming West.

“Winter is not coming.”

 

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‘Monkey’ Sadly Still Alive and Well

Posted by thepoetscane on April 25, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, UK

felt monkey

Cheeky felt monstrosity Monkey (pronounced ‘Munkeh’) was sadly found alive and well today, despite a going on a two-day tea bender.

His handler Al found him rooting through bins for used teabags muttering, ‘keep it tea, keep it tea, keep it tea’. He is now resting at home.

Monkey shot to fame as the voice of comedian and actor Ben Miller before advertising ITV Digital, a now defunct company. He then moved on to be the face of PG Tips where he regularly dishonours the memory of the real chimpanzees who died in the service of tea dissemination.

The last of the original PG Tips chimps, Chopper, sadly passed away last week. Her family has reacted with disgust to the news about Monkey:

“He’s not even a real monkey, or ape, or whatever the hell chimps are,” said Chopper’s son Chipper. “Aren’t all apes technically monkeys? Or is it the other way round? It can’t be just to do with whether they’ve got tails, can it? Fucked if I know. Anyway, he’s a fake, a charlatan. His stupid felt face can’t come anywhere near to expressing the range of emotion my wonderful mother expressed in those adverts. His continued existence is an insult to her memory.”

People who used to work at ITV Digital were also angry:

“He’ll bring down PG Tips just like he did ITV Digital. Mark my words!” said a faceless suit.

Monkey’s handler Al, famous in his own right via his onstage persona ‘Johnny Vegas’, has rebutted criticisms of Monkey:

“He’s made of felt, yet he can speak English and make a cup of tea. You realise how amazing that is? He’s practically the messiah.”

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