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‘Monkey’ Sadly Still Alive and Well

felt monkey

Cheeky felt monstrosity Monkey (pronounced ‘Munkeh’) was sadly found alive and well today, despite a going on a two-day tea bender.

His handler Al found him rooting through bins for used teabags muttering, ‘keep it tea, keep it tea, keep it tea’. He is now resting at home.

Monkey shot to fame as the voice of comedian and actor Ben Miller before advertising ITV Digital, a now defunct company. He then moved on to be the face of PG Tips where he regularly dishonours the memory of the real chimpanzees who died in the service of tea dissemination.

The last of the original PG Tips chimps, Chopper, sadly passed away last week. Her family has reacted with disgust to the news about Monkey:

“He’s not even a real monkey, or ape, or whatever the hell chimps are,” said Chopper’s son Chipper. “Aren’t all apes technically monkeys? Or is it the other way round? It can’t be just to do with whether they’ve got tails, can it? Fucked if I know. Anyway, he’s a fake, a charlatan. His stupid felt face can’t come anywhere near to expressing the range of emotion my wonderful mother expressed in those adverts. His continued existence is an insult to her memory.”

People who used to work at ITV Digital were also angry:

“He’ll bring down PG Tips just like he did ITV Digital. Mark my words!” said a faceless suit.

Monkey’s handler Al, famous in his own right via his onstage persona ‘Johnny Vegas’, has rebutted criticisms of Monkey:

“He’s made of felt, yet he can speak English and make a cup of tea. You realise how amazing that is? He’s practically the messiah.”

Speak, or forever hold thy tongue...

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