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Captain America Shot Dead after a Child Falls into his Enclosure

Posted by thepoetscane on May 31, 2016 in Latest News, Out of This World, World
Marvel's Captain America: Civil War..Steve Rogers/Captain America (Chris Evans)..Photo Credit: Zade Rosenthal..© Marvel 2016

Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War..Steve Rogers/Captain America (Chris Evans)..Photo Credit: Zade Rosenthal..© Marvel 2016

Lovable US superhero Captain America has been shot dead by the army after a child fell into his enclosure during a school trip.

The incident happened yesterday morning. It is believed the child climbed the five foot wall around the enclosure while his parents weren’t looking, hoping for a glimpse of ‘the Cap’. Once fallen into the enclosure, the army followed protocol and immediately shot Captain America as he shambled out of his cave to see what was going on.

The tragedy has triggered an outpouring of grief from ‘Cap’ fans around the world.

“This is a sad day,” said Jane on twitter. “The Cap was a lovable giant. He was a genetically altered superpowered freak, but he would never have used his strength to hurt a child.”

Paul, also on twitter, agreed:

“Look into his eyes. He’s a sentient being. He would have protected the boy just like you or I. He should never have been shot.”

However, the vast majority of the responses focussed on blaming the mother:

“What was she doing? She should have had 100% attention on the child for every second of her life even when she’s sneezing or distracted by anything in the world ever.”

“I’m not a mother, but she’s clearly the biggest unmotherly scumbag in the word. BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH!”

“SHE DESREVES TO ROT IN HELL! WAT WAS SHE DOING LETING HER BABBY CLIME WALLS??!!”

No one said anything about what the father should have been doing, because people are sexist twats.

Colonel Mick Spencer, senior handler for Captain America, said to CNN:

“The right decision was made. He may look handsome and friendly, always waving and grinning, but Captain America is a wild animal and very territorial. If we hadn’t acted he would have torn that little boy limb from limb, not protected him.

“You can’t apply the same rules to superheroes that you apply to humans. The Cap is a vicious killer. Do you realise how many people he’s murdered for the US government since we gave him his powers? He’s a monster. A patriotic, polite, handsome monster.”

School trips at the army facility are temporarily suspended. Rumours that the last words Captain America uttered before dying were “Hail Hydra” are unconfirmed.

The Cap will be buried on Friday.

MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

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David Attenborough Reveals He Just Reads Whatever the Teleprompter Says

Posted by thepoetscane on May 11, 2016 in Entertainment, Interviews, Latest News, UK

By English: Foreign and Commonwealth Office (Flickr) [OGL (http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/1/)], via Wikimedia Commons

By English: Foreign and Commonwealth Office (Flickr) [OGL (http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/1/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

David Attenborough has revealed that he’s been using a teleprompter for the whole of his career and knows nothing about naturalism or animals.

“My degree is in English. I haven’t a fucking clue about animals.”

Sir Attenborough revealed the truth in an interview with Gorillas Monthly. When asked why he has spent most of his life doing this job if he doesn’t know anything about the subject, he replied:

“I studied English, so my job prospects were pretty slim unless I wrote a bestseller or became a teacher, and teaching sounded too much like hard work. I got offered the job at the BBC because someone saw my CV and thought I was a naturalist. I’m actually a naturist. I just love being naked.

“In the end I stuck with the BBC work because working with gorillas is easier than working with English schoolkids. No one ever noticed. Once, someone made a mistake in the narration script about penguins but no one picked up on it. The episode even went out with the mistake in. No one knew. No one cared.”

Attenborough confessed that he has no idea what he’s saying half the time, and the other half he has no idea if it’s even true.

“It’s pretty much how most people live their lives anyway,” he said with a shrug. “We’re all winging it. As long as we keep up a good ratio of cute animals, true-sounding facts and barbaric animal sex, the viewers are happy.

“People believe whatever I say just because they like my voice and I remind them of their grandad. It’s pathetic really.”

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47% of BBC Employees think BBC Stands for Bash Bloody Corbyn

Posted by thepoetscane on May 10, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, Politics, UK

By JJARichardson (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

By JJARichardson (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

A poll of BBC employees in Salford has revealed that a startling 47% think that BBC stands for Bash Bloody Corbyn.

“I’m not sure what the fuss is all about,” an anonymous source told us. “I mean, what else would it be? The whole news apparatus is geared towards slagging him off no matter what he does. Why would we do that if it wasn’t the whole point of the organisation? What? British Broadcasting Corporation? Are you having a laugh?”

The poll also revealed that 24% think BBC stands for Blame Bastard Corbyn, 14% think it stands for Big Boss Conservatives, 13% don’t know, and 2% thought it was just a weird word.

The poll results have been featured in all major news outlets (except the Sun, who are worried that one of the Bs in BBC might stand for Borough). However, it only appeared briefly on the BBC news channel, alongside a picture of Jeremy Corbyn which the newsreader looked at disapprovingly while shaking their head.

The poll is thought to be the first of many currently being conducted to find out about BBC bias and behaviour. Other questions thought to be doing the rounds are:

  • Q: The BAFTAs are basically just the BBC awards aren’t they?
  • Q: How many references to Newsround are in a typical episode of Doctor Who?
  • Q: Why the fuck didn’t you fire Jimmy Saville you bunch of cockwipes?
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Butchers Warn of Sausage Sale Slump

Posted by thepoetscane on May 10, 2016 in Latest News, Politics, UK

hopkins bitchfinder general

British butchers have claimed their livelihoods will be threatened by a huge slump in sausage sales if Daily Mail AI experiment Katie Hopkins goes ahead with her naked run through London with a halal sausage up her bum.

Ms Hopkins is planning the stunt in protest at the new London mayor having darker skin than she would like.

Butchers are also claiming the naked sausage run will affect sales of streaky bacon because the word streak will now have unpleasant connotations in the mind of the meat-buying public.

Muslim butchers in particular are worried that the whole idea of halal will be tainted by the association with the lower sphincter muscles of Ms Hopkins, rendering the possibility of a pure Islamic diet almost impossible.

“This could be the end for me,” said butcher Bill Jones, founder of the ‘Please Katie, Stay Indoors’ campaign. “No one is going to buy my sausages with these sort of horrific images seared into their brains. It’s just not right to treat a dead animal this way.”

Scientists are also warning of a national drop in people’s sex drives.

“Not only would we lose the butcher industry,” said sociologist Simon Haswell. “But we could lose the entire next generation of children, who will never be born because their parents just can’t hack the sight of nakedness anymore. It could spell the end of Britain.

“On the other hand, if they’re never born they’ll never have to witness Katie Hopkins running through the streets with mashed up dead animal remains stuffed in her rectum.”

Optimistic people have pointed out that if her arsehole is blocked by meat products then there’s less chance of Ms Hopkins talking out of it.

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Fake News Writer Accidentally Published Headline with no Content

Posted by thepoetscane on May 8, 2016 in Latest News
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