Lovable US superhero Captain America has been shot dead by the army after a child fell into his enclosure during a school trip.
The incident happened yesterday morning. It is believed the child climbed the five foot wall around the enclosure while his parents weren’t looking, hoping for a glimpse of ‘the Cap’. Once fallen into the enclosure, the army followed protocol and immediately shot Captain America as he shambled out of his cave to see what was going on.
The tragedy has triggered an outpouring of grief from ‘Cap’ fans around the world.
“This is a sad day,” said Jane on twitter. “The Cap was a lovable giant. He was a genetically altered superpowered freak, but he would never have used his strength to hurt a child.”
Paul, also on twitter, agreed:
“Look into his eyes. He’s a sentient being. He would have protected the boy just like you or I. He should never have been shot.”
However, the vast majority of the responses focussed on blaming the mother:
“What was she doing? She should have had 100% attention on the child for every second of her life even when she’s sneezing or distracted by anything in the world ever.”
“I’m not a mother, but she’s clearly the biggest unmotherly scumbag in the word. BITCH! BITCH BITCH BITCH!”
“SHE DESREVES TO ROT IN HELL! WAT WAS SHE DOING LETING HER BABBY CLIME WALLS??!!”
No one said anything about what the father should have been doing, because people are sexist twats.
Colonel Mick Spencer, senior handler for Captain America, said to CNN:
“The right decision was made. He may look handsome and friendly, always waving and grinning, but Captain America is a wild animal and very territorial. If we hadn’t acted he would have torn that little boy limb from limb, not protected him.
“You can’t apply the same rules to superheroes that you apply to humans. The Cap is a vicious killer. Do you realise how many people he’s murdered for the US government since we gave him his powers? He’s a monster. A patriotic, polite, handsome monster.”
School trips at the army facility are temporarily suspended. Rumours that the last words Captain America uttered before dying were “Hail Hydra” are unconfirmed.
The Cap will be buried on Friday.