A criminal long wanted by police has escaped jail after no witnesses turned up to court.
“We are very saddened by this result,” said Police Superintendent Moira Jameson. “We were led to believe that this man had many witnesses to his crimes, maybe as many as 144,000. We don’t know if their failure to turn up was due to fear or not actually seeing the crimes themselves. They all claim to love him. Maybe they just didn’t want to say anything bad about him.”
The man, known as Jehovah, has been wanted by police for several thousand years and people are warned to keep their distance.
“He is a dangerous man,” said Jameson. “He has many aliases and is very good at roaming unseen. However, if you think you have found Jehovah, do not approach him, and certainly do not get down on your knees and pray. This sounds like odd advice, but he loves that shit and for some reason people do it all the time, despite his record for acting like an arsehole.”
Jehovah is wanted for many crimes: incitement to murder, murder, being a con-artist, running a gangster empire, terrorism, not paying taxes, and public indecency. However, he is mainly wanted for what is considered to be the worst genocide in history, a global flood which killed millions, however some doubt it even happened at all as there is no archeological evidence for a global flood. There is evidence only for smaller floods, which his lawyer, Mr Jesus Carpenter, maintains cannot be proven to be caused by his client.
In fact, very little evidence seems to stick to Jehovah, despite the popular belief that he’s responsible for pretty much everything from the dawn of time, not to mention the actual dawn of time itself. It was hoped that the court case would settle matters once and for all, but yet again Jehovah has given authorities the slip.
“He is so hard to track down,” said Jehovah expert the Archbishop of Canterbury, “He seems to be everywhere yet nowhere at once. He is all things, but not all things. He has so many different names we don’t really know who he is: Jehovah, Yahweh, God, Allah, Elohim, Abba, Him, Dad, Boss, Bhagavan, The Timeless One, Big Daddy, Jim… The list goes on.”
Police are planning to use witchcraft to track him down.
“Well, nothing else has worked,” sighs Jameson. “Science failed to find Him. Philosophy is useless. Waiting around for Him to turn up like He said He would turned out to be a waste of time. He doesn’t even show up in photographs. In fact, all we know about Him is hearsay and conjecture. If it wasn’t for the fact we have his confession, known as the Bible, I’d say He doesn’t even exist at all.”
The search continues.
There has been a rise in the number of incidents of Jehovah’s witnesses being ‘doorstepped’ by atheists in the street.
Jehovah’s witnesses are law-abiding members of society who simply stand in city centres minding their own business, holding leaflets that pedestrians can take if they want to, or ignore if they wish. They don’t bother anyone, and never throw God in anyone’s face. They repect the privacy of everybody’s personal space.
So it is of great concern to hear reports of aggressive, proselytising atheists stopping in front of Jehovah’s witnesses and shoving their lack of beliefs down their throat.
“I was standing there holding my leaflets and copies of the Watchtower,” said Sally, a witness from Norfolk, “When all of a sudden this man came up to me all stern and aggressive. ‘Have you heard that there is no such thing as the lord Jesus?’ he said to me. I said to him that while I respected his belief, I was quite sure of my own stance, and that I wasn’t interested. But he just carried on talking, saying things like, ‘did you know that logical argument disproves the existence of God?’ and ‘can I just stop here and talk to you for five minutes about the biologist Richard Dawkins?’ It was really intrusive. I don’t like these kinds of non-beliefs being shoved down my throat. I don’t go round knocking on people’s doors and asking them if they’ve heard about Jesus. It’s ridiculous!”
Sadly, Sally’s story is not a one-off.
John from Lancashire told us:
“I was standing there minding my own business, and this woman with a microphone suddenly sets up shop opposite me in the street. She starts ranting about how ‘no-one is coming to save you and religion is a load of manipulative nonsense’. You don’t want to hear that kind of thing in the street. Especially when there’s kids about. They’re really impressionable.”
The Jehovah’s witnesses have sent a petition to parliament asking for atheists’ to be banned from spreading their non-beliefs in city centres.
“We’re not trying to ban their non-beliefs. Everyone has the right to non-believe what they want. We just don’t want it in public where it will make us feel uncomfortable. Atheism is all fine behind closed doors, but in public we have the right to stand around minding our own business, getting freezing cold in front of our well-stocked racks of leaflets.”
The result of the petition will be revealed next week.
![By Zasitu (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons](https://thescepticalpoet.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/fat-face-man.jpg)
By Zasitu (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
The Prime Minister David Cameron has been told by his advisors that if he wants to continue being boss of the UK then he has to take governing classes.
This is part of a wider government drive that includes numeracy and compassion classes for George Osborne, and two hours on an operating table under the knife of a cash-strapped junior doctor for Jeremy Hunt.
Cameron is thought to be unhappy about the measures.
“I do not need governing classes,” he told reporters this morning. “But apparently under some arcane law I am classed as a ‘parent’ of the country, and as I drafted the policy about parenting classes, I can’t get out of it. Personally, I think we’ve been infiltrated by Corbynistas, but I can’t prove it. Shit, I think I’ve left my son in the pub!”
In the classes, Cameron is likely to be taught about the concepts of money, people, death and how these three factors interact. There will be special emphasis on how people can contribute more to the economy if they’re not poor or dead, and how services can function better if they’re actually paid for. There will be geography lessons teaching Cameron about the North, sports lessons in which he can learn what team he supports, and biology lessons on how not to accidentally stick your penis in a dead pig’s mouth.
If Cameron passes the classes he will be allowed to remain as Prime Minister until the next general election. If he fails, then the Cabinet will be taken over by the private security firm G4S.
What follows is a joint statement by junior doctors on safe alcohol limits when getting drunk to put up with government bullshit…
Just keep drinking.
Safety limits do not matter.
There is no other way to survive the storm of bullshit leaking from the government’s treacherous slacks.
Drink. Keep drinking. Get drunk. Get drunker. Get so drunk you vomit onto George Osborne on sight. Get so drunk you follow David Cameron around with a pig’s head on a stick quoting Deliverance. Get so drunk that this shitty, nasty government seems almost tolerable for five unsteady, vomity minutes.
Get so drunk that you don’t care that in five years time the emergency services will be run by private security firms staffed entirely by sexually frustrated former bouncers and dishonourably discharged soldiers with a desire to HIT SOMEONE.
Get so drunk you can pretend you’ve got no compassion or morals and feel what it’s like to fit in.
Get so drunk you like reality TV.
Get so drunk you care more about 5p on a pint than you do about dead disabled poor people and doctors.
Get so drunk that being arrested seems like a wise plan.
Get so drunk you don’t care how much drunker you can get before you pass out.
Get so drunk you rant this statement through the front door at Westminster.
Get so drunk that you can forget all that is wrong with the current government and stop the pressure in your heart for a brief moment, allowing a small measure of joy to enter your being and take root.
Just…
Get drunk. Now.
Thanks for listening.
The Sceptical Poet 