A criminal long wanted by police has escaped jail after no witnesses turned up to court.

“We are very saddened by this result,” said Police Superintendent Moira Jameson. “We were led to believe that this man had many witnesses to his crimes, maybe as many as 144,000. We don’t know if their failure to turn up was due to fear or not actually seeing the crimes themselves. They all claim to love him. Maybe they just didn’t want to say anything bad about him.”

The man, known as Jehovah, has been wanted by police for several thousand years and people are warned to keep their distance.

“He is a dangerous man,” said Jameson. “He has many aliases and is very good at roaming unseen. However, if you think you have found Jehovah, do not approach him, and certainly do not get down on your knees and pray. This sounds like odd advice, but he loves that shit and for some reason people do it all the time, despite his record for acting like an arsehole.”

Jehovah is wanted for many crimes: incitement to murder, murder, being a con-artist, running a gangster empire, terrorism, not paying taxes, and public indecency. However, he is mainly wanted for what is considered to be the worst genocide in history, a global flood which killed millions, however some doubt it even happened at all as there is no archeological evidence for a global flood. There is evidence only for smaller floods, which his lawyer, Mr Jesus Carpenter, maintains cannot be proven to be caused by his client.

In fact, very little evidence seems to stick to Jehovah, despite the popular belief that he’s responsible for pretty much everything from the dawn of time, not to mention the actual dawn of time itself. It was hoped that the court case would settle matters once and for all, but yet again Jehovah has given authorities the slip.

“He is so hard to track down,” said Jehovah expert the Archbishop of Canterbury, “He seems to be everywhere yet nowhere at once. He is all things, but not all things. He has so many different names we don’t really know who he is: Jehovah, Yahweh, God, Allah, Elohim, Abba, Him, Dad, Boss, Bhagavan, The Timeless One, Big Daddy, Jim… The list goes on.”

Police are planning to use witchcraft to track him down.

“Well, nothing else has worked,” sighs Jameson. “Science failed to find Him. Philosophy is useless. Waiting around for Him to turn up like He said He would turned out to be a waste of time. He doesn’t even show up in photographs. In fact, all we know about Him is hearsay and conjecture. If it wasn’t for the fact we have his confession, known as the Bible, I’d say He doesn’t even exist at all.”

The search continues.