The Prime Minister David Cameron has been told by his advisors that if he wants to continue being boss of the UK then he has to take governing classes.
This is part of a wider government drive that includes numeracy and compassion classes for George Osborne, and two hours on an operating table under the knife of a cash-strapped junior doctor for Jeremy Hunt.
Cameron is thought to be unhappy about the measures.
“I do not need governing classes,” he told reporters this morning. “But apparently under some arcane law I am classed as a ‘parent’ of the country, and as I drafted the policy about parenting classes, I can’t get out of it. Personally, I think we’ve been infiltrated by Corbynistas, but I can’t prove it. Shit, I think I’ve left my son in the pub!”
In the classes, Cameron is likely to be taught about the concepts of money, people, death and how these three factors interact. There will be special emphasis on how people can contribute more to the economy if they’re not poor or dead, and how services can function better if they’re actually paid for. There will be geography lessons teaching Cameron about the North, sports lessons in which he can learn what team he supports, and biology lessons on how not to accidentally stick your penis in a dead pig’s mouth.
If Cameron passes the classes he will be allowed to remain as Prime Minister until the next general election. If he fails, then the Cabinet will be taken over by the private security firm G4S.