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Justin Bieber, What a Cock

Yes, you heard it here, not first, but hey, we felt the need to mention it anyway, just in case you’ve been living in a hole. If you have been living in a hole, it’s time to wake up and smell the winky.

Yes, we can confirm it to be absolutely, 100% true. We’ve seen the pictures, and along with eyes and hands and a temperamental personality, Justin Bibitibob has a WILLY! A human penis of all things, and he’s only gone and whipped it out in the comfort of his own swimming pool. The scoundrel.

Imagine his fans’ surprise when they found out Lustin’ Justin is HUMAN after all and is actually anatomically correct and not just a miming mannequin as was rumoured.

In fact folks, even more alarming than his naked partying is the fact that this bleached blonde man boy still has fans. Multiples of them, in fact. They even got in my way once when I was trying to get a bus home from work. A huge crowd surrounded the hotel he was staying at. I captured a few specimens that day and we’re still doing research on them to find out why they love him so, but to no avail.

Justin assures us that the photos were a genuine surprise, they have not been doctored and were not in any way released in order to coincide with his Christmas album of Nirvana cover versions or whatever drivel he’s releasing next.

The Sceptical Poet are genuinely hoping that all these stories about starving children and immigrants don’t detract from the real news- that some bloke (who we’re really hoping is an adult now or this story is very creepy indeed) has actual boy parts.

Good job they don’t still wrap chips in yesterday’s newspapers or we’ll all be getting a bit too close for comfort to the Biebster.

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