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Bowie Killed by Martians for Revealing Their Secrets

Posted by thepoetscane on January 22, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, Out of This World

By Abi Skipp [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Abi Skipp [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Professional conspiracy theorist and shit-stirrer Mohammed Al-Fayed has claimed that the Martian equivalent of the Triads were responsible for the death of David Bowie.

“Yes, he was killed by cancer,” he told Rita Sarpong of Conspiracy TV, “But who knows what kind of technology they have? They could have poisoned him with cancer cells from an umbrella tip. If Earth can manage to do it with poison, then surely people as advanced as the Martians can do it with cancer.”

Al-Fayed believes that Bowie was murdered because he revealed to Earth the five-point cut-up lyric technique unique to Mars.

“They didn’t want their secret to get out to the undeveloped worlds. They wanted him to be quiet. So they killed him.”

Despite no evidence for a Martian civilisation, or for David Bowie being non-terrestrial, or for any kind of murder plot at all, 78% of Bowie fans (polled by a bunch of idiots in a computer office in Kent) believe that the conspiracy is true.

“Bowie was a hero who brought us the music of the Gods. They must have got jealous and killed him,” said Brian in the comments field of the online poll.

“Fucking Martians. If they’re not invading, they’re murdering our pop stars. Gits.” said Julie.

Al-Fayed also believes that Lemmy was murdered by professional poker players angry at the suggestion that gambling is for fools. No-one yet knows who he thinks killed Glenn Frey, but we’re sure he’ll get round to it.

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Grim Reaper Fired for Reaping Celebs Before their Time

Posted by thepoetscane on January 21, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News, Out of This World

By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA (Grim Reaper, Greenwich Village) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By InSapphoWeTrust from Los Angeles, California, USA (Grim Reaper, Greenwich Village) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Grim Reaper, real name Darth Balls, has finally been caught and fired after going off-grid and reaping celebrities that annoyed him.

Concerns were first raised about Mr Balls a few decades ago, when the song Don’t Fear the Reaper by the Blue Oyster Cult was released. He was caught ranting at a cocktail party held by the King of Sleep, saying:

“Don’t fear me? I’ve come to kill you! Don’t they realise how bad this is for business? Bloody musicians, I should reap the lot of them.”

No-one thought much of his comments back then. Mr Balls was known for getting worked up when drunk. It wasn’t until years later when it was revealed that he’d secretly been reaping oysters way before their time that his employers began keeping an eye on him. No-one cared much about the oysters, but when Lemmy and David Bowie were culled despite having another 47 years of life left between them, his employers decided to act. Sadly, Glenn Frey fell just before Darth was caught, but the danger is now thought to be over.

“Mr Balls has been sacked and his affairs will be fully investigated. No-one’s heard from Ozzy Osborne for a while, so it’s important we make sure that Darth didn’t get him aswell. In addition, Mr Balls has had his license to kill revoked. He will never reap again.”

It is thought that Mr Balls will be replaced by someone with less hatred of the arts. There are also plans to modernise the position, with the possibility of Mr Balls’ replacement wearing dungarees and wielding a lawnmower. Many critics feel it’s a step backwards.

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This Month’s Horoscope: Aquarius

Posted by thepoetscane on January 20, 2016 in Latest News, Unnervingly Accurate Horoscope

horoscope-1444361-639x807

Aquarius

Psychic Jess says:

This month you will find yourself complaining about the lack of snow, or that there is too much snow. You will find yourself feeling a bit better about all the money you mysteriously spent in the run up to December, yet still wake up crying in the middle of the night. If you are not careful, you may find yourself ringing up your favourite actors and musicians who are getting on a bit and asking them to look after themselves, have some chicken soup and keep the fire on in the evening. You will probably watch Star Wars at some point, or feel as if you already have as no one will shut up about it. As you are an air sign, you will probably breathe a lot this month. Or suffocate. There will be a sudden realisation that there are probably currently more glossy TV shows in existence than there are species of insect. This will crush your dreams of writing a hit show. Days will begin. Days will end. Each week will blend into the next like an endless parade of mocking laughter. No one will propose to you. You’ll drink your caramel latte alone in Starbucks while sickeningly sweet couples who are probably cheating on each other caress each other’s cheek and hold hands. Everyone will forget your birthday because it’s Valentine’s Day and nobody really likes you anyway.  You’ll be lucky if you get one card and that’ll be from that long lost oddball penpal you used to have when you were 12. All in all, it’s going to be a pretty shitty month. Get out more. Forget about the body stuffed under the sink. If you have any kind of non-UK heritage, you will be deported unless you can recite the entirety of Shakespeare from memory. Be kind to animals. Be mean to spiders, though. Become everything you were meant to be, or slide into oblivion with the rest of the scum.

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Elton John to Release Bowie Tribute Version of Candle in The Wind

Posted by thepoetscane on January 19, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News

Elton John is to release a special David Bowie tribute version of Candle In The Wind, to be played in his honour at an upcoming tribute concert.

The Sceptical Poet is proud to have been granted an advance view of the new lyrics, reprinted here for our readers:

Martian In The Sky

(in memoriam David Bowie)

Goodbye Major Tom
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to be yourself
Though standing at the door
You crawled out of your spaceship
And you whispered into our brains
Now you live in the heavens
And the stars spell out your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a Martian in the sky
Never fading into techno
When the ’90s set in
And your songs will always live on
In our stereos and minds
Your candle burned out far too soon
But your music will never die

The Goblin King was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Those tights were always chilly
Their famous bulge the price you paid
And even though we tried
To avoid your penis through the years
All those films made it tough
You loved to whip it out and bring us all to tears

Goodbye Major Tom
From a country lost without your clothes
We thought them awful but you were still sexy
More than just a skinny bloke

 

Fans of both singers are devastated.

 

By Ernst Vikne [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Ernst Vikne [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Young Musician Refuses to Become Famous Until He’s at Least 70

Posted by thepoetscane on January 18, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News

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A 19 year old singer and songwriter has refused to become famous until he’s at least 70, on the off-chance it could kill him if he doesn’t.

The guitarist from England, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have turned down a record deal and only advertises his songs on Myspace where no-one will see them.

“It’s the only safe option. Lemmy, Bowie, they’re gone forever, taken down by an over-eager grim reaper. I want to be famous, but I also want to live. There’s a guy down my local pub. Never done anything of note in his life. He’s 80. Drinks like a fish and shows no signs of slowing down. If I can just get to 69 I’ll beat the curse, and then I can become as famous as I want. It’s the only way.”

Jimmy (not his real name) performs locally at badly advertised gigs with no nearby bus route, and wears a mask on stage. There has been a slight hiccup in his plans, as increasing numbers of people are turning out to see the mysterious ‘masked’ singer, which is threatening to make him famous. Jimmy’s response has been to insult the crowd and play really badly, which he says is starting to work.

Jimmy’s mum has branded his plans daft, stating that he can’t earn a living this way and he should burn bright and die relatively youngish like the best of them.

“He’s going to be living at mine for decades at this rate,” she complained. “I keep telling him there’s no call for 70-year-old newcomers in the music industry, but he won’t listen.”

Jimmy argues that in this era of reality TV everybody gets famous, and this will be more so in the future.

“I’ll be one of the few over-70s out there. The novelty alone will push me to the top. I could do Big Brother; it’s basically the reality TV version of an old people’s home anyway. And I plan to eat and drink well for the next 50 years and to look after my voice. I’m giving up alcohol and late nights. It’s going to be a wild ride when I eventually get there. The whole world will know my name, even if I don’t.”

Jimmy’s debut album will be released in spring 2067.

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