Leave a comment

Bowie Killed by Martians for Revealing Their Secrets

By Abi Skipp [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Abi Skipp [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Professional conspiracy theorist and shit-stirrer Mohammed Al-Fayed has claimed that the Martian equivalent of the Triads were responsible for the death of David Bowie.

“Yes, he was killed by cancer,” he told Rita Sarpong of Conspiracy TV, “But who knows what kind of technology they have? They could have poisoned him with cancer cells from an umbrella tip. If Earth can manage to do it with poison, then surely people as advanced as the Martians can do it with cancer.”

Al-Fayed believes that Bowie was murdered because he revealed to Earth the five-point cut-up lyric technique unique to Mars.

“They didn’t want their secret to get out to the undeveloped worlds. They wanted him to be quiet. So they killed him.”

Despite no evidence for a Martian civilisation, or for David Bowie being non-terrestrial, or for any kind of murder plot at all, 78% of Bowie fans (polled by a bunch of idiots in a computer office in Kent) believe that the conspiracy is true.

“Bowie was a hero who brought us the music of the Gods. They must have got jealous and killed him,” said Brian in the comments field of the online poll.

“Fucking Martians. If they’re not invading, they’re murdering our pop stars. Gits.” said Julie.

Al-Fayed also believes that Lemmy was murdered by professional poker players angry at the suggestion that gambling is for fools. No-one yet knows who he thinks killed Glenn Frey, but we’re sure he’ll get round to it.

Speak, or forever hold thy tongue...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: