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This Month’s Horoscope: Aquarius

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Aquarius

Psychic Jess says:

This month you will find yourself complaining about the lack of snow, or that there is too much snow. You will find yourself feeling a bit better about all the money you mysteriously spent in the run up to December, yet still wake up crying in the middle of the night. If you are not careful, you may find yourself ringing up your favourite actors and musicians who are getting on a bit and asking them to look after themselves, have some chicken soup and keep the fire on in the evening. You will probably watch Star Wars at some point, or feel as if you already have as no one will shut up about it. As you are an air sign, you will probably breathe a lot this month. Or suffocate. There will be a sudden realisation that there are probably currently more glossy TV shows in existence than there are species of insect. This will crush your dreams of writing a hit show. Days will begin. Days will end. Each week will blend into the next like an endless parade of mocking laughter. No one will propose to you. You’ll drink your caramel latte alone in Starbucks while sickeningly sweet couples who are probably cheating on each other caress each other’s cheek and hold hands. Everyone will forget your birthday because it’s Valentine’s Day and nobody really likes you anyway.  You’ll be lucky if you get one card and that’ll be from that long lost oddball penpal you used to have when you were 12. All in all, it’s going to be a pretty shitty month. Get out more. Forget about the body stuffed under the sink. If you have any kind of non-UK heritage, you will be deported unless you can recite the entirety of Shakespeare from memory. Be kind to animals. Be mean to spiders, though. Become everything you were meant to be, or slide into oblivion with the rest of the scum.

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One comment on “This Month’s Horoscope: Aquarius

  1. Reblogged this on The Sceptical Poet and commented:

    Turns out Psychic Jess failed to predict Valentine’s Day. After re-consulting her star-charts and slapping herself in the face, she has updated her reading for Aquarius to be even more unnervingly accurate.

    Like

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