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Rose Angry at Lemon

Posted by thepoetscane on February 12, 2016 in Entertainment, Latest News
Rose Lemonade

Rose Lemonade

Axl Rose has blown his signature top this week after being compared to Keith Lemon for the fiftieth time.

“He didn’t know who this dude was, so the first forty-nine times he took it as a compliment,” said Destiny Dante, Axl’s 22-year-old model/stripper girlfriend. “Then one day he was merrily eating his pre-show roast dinner, when Keith Lemon came on the TV and the Yorkshire puddings really hit the fan. He threw his spuds up in the air, gravy dribbling down the side of his gob and yelled: “When did I fucking film this? I don’t remember this, but that’s definitely me. At least it looks like me, but I don’t sound like that and I’m not that fucking fat. I’m a shitting genius-tinged-with-madness rock god. I don’t go on panel shows. Do I?”

“He then spent the next three hours googling and YouTubing Keith Lemon,” said Axl’s latest generic session guitarist. “Which was OK, because he’s always three hours late onstage anyway. Afterwards, when he’d decided it definitely wasn’t him, he said he was going to sue for image copyright.”

“Axl’s good at suing over nothing. He likes the drama. He once sued me for taking drugs on band time, even though I was taking the drugs with him,” said former GN’R drummer Steven Adler.

“I’ve never known what first attracted me to the millionaire, Axl Rose”, said Destiny, “But even I’m a bit turned off now, and I’ve slept with Peter Stringfellow.”

Keith Lemon this morning went on record to ask Axl if he’d like to team up to do a charity duet or perhaps a celebrity boxing fight.

Unfortunately the doppelgänger has so far declined.

We live in hope.

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Pancakes Cure Cancer, says Daily Express

Posted by thepoetscane on February 9, 2016 in Health and Lifestyle, Latest News, UK

By User:Amazballs (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By User:Amazballs (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

It was suggested today that pancakes might help keep cancer at bay, despite their high fat content. A special report in the Daily Express cited a study that implied regular pancake ingestion every February reduced incidences of stomach cancer.

The two-month study of six people training to run in the London marathon discovered that in almost two-thirds of those studied, stomach cancer tended not to occur in those who claimed to regularly eat pancakes on pancake day. This was about 2.9 people out of 5. One couldn’t remember if they actually had any pancakes that year, but their confusion was put down to hot weather.

Out of the six people studied, only one didn’t eat pancakes. They also didn’t get stomach cancer. This was not statistically significant.

The reason is thought to be because the fat in pancakes is ‘good’ fat, and contains special dimochyhaldihides, usually found in superfoods like blueberries and expensive nuts.

There are calls for pancakes to be classed as fruit and to become a staple of kids’ school lunch boxes. Warnings from health experts to take the recent findings as provisional at the very least have been laughed off as annoying.

A government think tank suggested calling them pancaketastics instead of pancakes, because the more syllables a food has in its name, the more healthy and important it sounds.

The Daily Express has started a petition to make poor people eat more pancakes, not out of health concern, but because they like starting petitions that interfere in other people’s lives.

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Pancakes Cause Cancer, says Daily Mail

Posted by thepoetscane on February 9, 2016 in Health and Lifestyle, Latest News, UK

By Shiku Ngigi (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Shiku Ngigi (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

It was suggested today that pancakes may be one of the prime causes of stomach cancer in Britain, according to a special report in the Daily Mail.

A two month study of six obese people who all lived in the same family home discovered that in almost two-thirds of those studied, stomach cancer usually tended to happen in those who regularly ate pancakes on pancake day (the study was undertaken in summer, but those studied filled in a survey stating that they ate pancakes every February on pancake day).

Of the remaining third, neither person ate pancakes and only one got stomach cancer. This result was not thought to be statistically significant.

There are calls for pancakes to be either banned, slapped with a health warning on the ingredients packaging, or taxed into oblivion.

A government think tank suggested calling them panbakes instead of pancakes, because ‘cakes’ suggest sugary sweetness, and all our shopping choices are completely reactionary and unhealthy.

The Daily Mail has started a petition to make poor people eat less pancakes and more celery.

 

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Open Letter to David Cameron

Posted by thepoetscane on February 7, 2016 in Latest News, Open Letters, Politics, UK

What follows is an open letter to the Prime Minister David Cameron, from ‘Cecil’…

By Willwal [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Willwal [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Hello, Mr Prime Minister.

My name is Cecil. It never used to be but it is now. My original name doesn’t matter as you never knew it before and no-one noticed me anyway. The reason for the name-change to Cecil will become apparent very soon (the more I write Cecil, the more ridiculous a name it appears, like David, or Gideon).

I am physically disabled and poor. Those two things often go together, just in case you never noticed. I have been repeatedly victimised by your government’s policies, yet recieved little notice from you or the public media. It’s all a bit surreal. No-one I know voted you in. Your voters all must live on the top of hills away from bus routes. And snipers.

Basically, you’ve made my life crap and I intend to end it all, but when I go I want my passing to have a lasting impact on public perception of the horrors your government has wrought.

So.

To that end, I have changed my name to Cecil and moved to Zimbabwe. I have hired an American dentist to hunt and kill me with a bow and arrow. I probably won’t put up much of a fight. I can go quite fast over a flat area, but I can’t zig-zag well, and a decent sized rock will probably send me sprawling. It’s all a bit dramatic, but at least I get to see Africa.

I’ve hired several major news providers to cover the event, and have several bloggers ready to spread the outrage across the internet. The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 promise to devote an entire episode to the terrible shooting of ‘Cecil’. When I was called whatever boring name I had before no-one gave a shit, but when I’m called Cecil and my head is hanging on a dentist’s wall everyone is going to be so angry they might remember they actually care about bad things happening.

What do you think?

I know how you love dead animals, but I doubt this is what you had in mind.

Anyway, by the time you read this, I’ll already be wheeling desperately across the Hwange National Park chased by a dentist in a four-wheel drive.

Enjoy,

Cecil the Endangered Disabled Person.

 

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Dead Sperm Whales Just Trying to Impregnate the UK

Posted by thepoetscane on February 6, 2016 in Latest News, Out of This World, Science, UK

By PookieFugglestein (Own work) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

By PookieFugglestein (Own work) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

Whale experts at the University of Oxford believe that the recent spate of dead sperm whales washing up on British coastline is evidence that they are simply trying to impregnate the UK.

“What we’re seeing are the sperm whales which failed,” said Dr Tim Weeks. “We’ll probably see many more, maybe in the millions. Eventually however, one lucky sperm whale will get through to its goal and break through the coastline and impregnate the British landmass. Hopefully then we can get back on to the beaches without worrying about exploding whales.”

No-one knows what form of creature the resulting fusion of sperm whale and landmass will produce.

“We don’t really know what will happen,” said Tim. “Some theories suggest they will form a new landmass, probably the size of Wales. Or maybe it will be something we haven’t seen before, half mammal, half human wasteland. Whatever happens we advise people to stay indoors in nine months time.”

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