Whale experts at the University of Oxford believe that the recent spate of dead sperm whales washing up on British coastline is evidence that they are simply trying to impregnate the UK.

“What we’re seeing are the sperm whales which failed,” said Dr Tim Weeks. “We’ll probably see many more, maybe in the millions. Eventually however, one lucky sperm whale will get through to its goal and break through the coastline and impregnate the British landmass. Hopefully then we can get back on to the beaches without worrying about exploding whales.”

No-one knows what form of creature the resulting fusion of sperm whale and landmass will produce.

“We don’t really know what will happen,” said Tim. “Some theories suggest they will form a new landmass, probably the size of Wales. Or maybe it will be something we haven’t seen before, half mammal, half human wasteland. Whatever happens we advise people to stay indoors in nine months time.”