What follows is an open letter to the Prime Minister David Cameron, from ‘Cecil’…Hello, Mr Prime Minister.
My name is Cecil. It never used to be but it is now. My original name doesn’t matter as you never knew it before and no-one noticed me anyway. The reason for the name-change to Cecil will become apparent very soon (the more I write Cecil, the more ridiculous a name it appears, like David, or Gideon).
I am physically disabled and poor. Those two things often go together, just in case you never noticed. I have been repeatedly victimised by your government’s policies, yet recieved little notice from you or the public media. It’s all a bit surreal. No-one I know voted you in. Your voters all must live on the top of hills away from bus routes. And snipers.
Basically, you’ve made my life crap and I intend to end it all, but when I go I want my passing to have a lasting impact on public perception of the horrors your government has wrought.
To that end, I have changed my name to Cecil and moved to Zimbabwe. I have hired an American dentist to hunt and kill me with a bow and arrow. I probably won’t put up much of a fight. I can go quite fast over a flat area, but I can’t zig-zag well, and a decent sized rock will probably send me sprawling. It’s all a bit dramatic, but at least I get to see Africa.
I’ve hired several major news providers to cover the event, and have several bloggers ready to spread the outrage across the internet. The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 promise to devote an entire episode to the terrible shooting of ‘Cecil’. When I was called whatever boring name I had before no-one gave a shit, but when I’m called Cecil and my head is hanging on a dentist’s wall everyone is going to be so angry they might remember they actually care about bad things happening.
What do you think?
I know how you love dead animals, but I doubt this is what you had in mind.
Anyway, by the time you read this, I’ll already be wheeling desperately across the Hwange National Park chased by a dentist in a four-wheel drive.
Cecil the Endangered Disabled Person.