Leading Tories have revealed government plans to make doctors and nurses show their passport before treating patients.
Philip Hogman, Earl of Dumbagshire, told us:
“We need to stop health tourism. By making doctors and nurses show their passports we can weed out foreigners who are coming here and providing our healthcare and being paid for it in British money.”
Hogman preempted criticism by saying:
“This is not a racist policy. We simply have to protect our borders. Every foreign person who provides our healthcare is taking a job away from a British person who could in theory also do it provided they were trained. In fact, the policy will by supplemented by plans to introduce special doctor national service, so everyone between 16 and 18 will get a chance to provide healthcare on our NHS for free.”
Mary Outburst from the Guardian said:
“This is just racist bollocks.”
Ian Mcmurmaran from the Independent said:
“This kind of shit is actually happening. IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING!”
Floella Batman, Baroness of Whiteshire, backed the proposals:
“This is the kind of policy the UK needs to get back on its feet. You say the NHS is being understaffed, dismantled and destroyed by racist ill-thought out proposals. I say MAKE BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN!!
This statement was followed by two hours of excited Tory hand clapping.
The Sceptical Poet 
Oh, so *that’s* what they meant by “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” the other day, as I waited, helpless and impotent, for the anaesthetic to kick in. From their salacious laughter I assumed the doctors and nurses were playing doctors and nurses or something.
Thank you, Skeptical Poet! I feel so… un-violated now.
—Brangelina
PS The separation went beautifully, thanks for asking. No complications, a barely-visible scar. I still find myself turning to the left, about to whisper something conspiratorially to my other head, before remembering. Apparently that’s very common though. They told us to expect that for the first few weeks of our new, separate lives.
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