Following feedback from the debate over whether there should be female only carriages on trains and the ongoing success of male and female public toilets, the government – worried that Labour are getting too much publicity – have announced plans to entirely segregate the male and female population of the UK.

Starting next month, it will be mandatory for all public transport to split into male and female only compartments. The only exceptions to this rule will be if you are married: then you may sit together in the luxurious, first-class ‘marriage compartment’.

Children are exempt from the rule, although if they are between sixteen and eighteen they have to spend their time on public transport shining people’s shoes as part of the new national service scheme.

Workplaces are to have male and female floors, women only dining areas and women only smoking breaks. Cigars are unavailable on women’s smoking breaks.

“We want women to feel safe,” says the Prime Minister. “And we don’t feel it’s fair that we have to deal with what these women keep seeing as threatening or abusive behaviour from men. It’s much easier just to keep you all apart. It’s what I do with my children when they won’t play nice. It worked with the Liberal Democrats, too.”

An online survey revealed that some people see this as a step backwards. “What’s next,” said one. “Ethnic minority only compartments? Disabled only parks? Old folks only tea shops?”

However, the Mail and the Express loved the idea, which ultimately persuaded the Tories they must be right. A male commenter on the Mail Online said:

“It’s a great idea: they can all sit together and look at their pictures of fluffy kittens, while I get on with some real work. There’s a reason women have tiny feet, you know. It’s so they can get closer to the sink. It’s about time we got back to good old fashioned gender stereotypes so we don’t have to deal with the real issues.”

This comment was the most popular Mail Online comment in its history.

We asked the Labour party for their comments, but they were too busy introducing socialist only areas at Labour HQ.