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Trident to be Replaced by a Floating Raft and a Pitbull

By No machine-readable author provided. Tsui assumed (based on copyright claims). [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

By No machine-readable author provided. Tsui assumed (based on copyright claims). [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

In an effort to save money and to shut up anti-nuclear campaigners, the government have announced that as of next year they will not be renewing the UK’s nuclear deterrent, the Trident submarines. Instead, they will be replacing it with a floating raft and a hungry pitbull.

The raft, which will be painted in the colours of the Union Jack, will float randomly around the oceans, deterring would-be bad guys from messing with the UK. The pitbull, a veteran mauler once owned by a top drug dealer in a rough estate, will prowl the raft, living off fish and saltwater. Half mad with hunger, illness, and presumably sunstroke, ‘Derek’ will epitomise everything that is British, while also scaring the shit out of countries with bombs and anti-British sentiment.

“It’s the most British thing we could think of,” said the PM. “Submarines just make people think of Das Boot, or Sean Connery, who’s Scottish so he’s off our love list right now. A pitbull is a great deterrent, and a true British dog, I think. Plus we couldn’t get a bulldog.”

Advocates for Trident are furious, while anti-Trident campaigners are just plain confused.

“I hate Trident,” said Sam, a veteran campaigner from London. “But, a pitbull on a raft? What the fuck is it going to do? Can they even swim?”

However, popular opinion is behind the idea, and it looks like even the US are following suit, with plans to put Ben Carson on an American flag designed raft.

“He’s not much of a deterrent, except to anyone looking for a decent science education.” said President Obama, “We just really want rid of him.”

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