Record swarms of dead migrants are pouring into this country and stealing our graves.

Reports from Dover talk of lorryfuls of migrant hordes touching down upon our shores, where they are then escorted by British vehicles – at great cost to the British taxpayer – to honest-to-goodness British graves.

Brian Mold, a social club owner in Blackburn, said:

“This is obscene. My grandfather lived and died down an honest-to-goodness British mine, breathing honest-to-goodness British coal dust. None of these dead migrants have ever inhaled British toxic fumes, only foreign water. If my grandfather were dead today, he’d be appalled to see his grave taken away by a foreign corpse.”

John Grimes, a fish and chips fan who nodded seriously all the way through Brian’s rant, agreed:

“Britain is full. We’ve got no room for more dead people. We’re an island, there’s only so much ground. Who do they think they are? Why can’t they use their own graves? I hear they’ve got special mass graves over there, with loads of room. Wet-headed liberals, they say they’re being persecuted or something. Well, so are we. Our way of life, drinking ourselves to death and resting in a nice, soily British grave, that’s being persecuted by these grave-stealing foreigners. People today, they’ll bury anyone under the guise of so-called human rights.”

David Cameron, speaking at a recent conference, tried to allay fears:

“Our policy now is what it has always been. If you have contributed something to British society, and look British enough, you’re entitled to a British grave. I can assure you that we will not allow illegal burial seekers to steal your hard-earned British graves. Except for Australians or Americans, as they are usually white and don’t awaken the same level of xenophobia in our tiny, bigoted hearts.”

When challenged in an interview by a limp-wristed leftie who suggested that government policy on migrants was “immoral, wrong and inhuman,” Cameron simply shrugged and said, “You voted us in, so fuck you all.”