The new species of human found in a cave in South Africa has turned out to be Elvis.

Long rumoured to still be alive and well (or abducted by aliens, or working in a chip shop or singing in Blackpool), the mystery of Elvis Presley has finally been solved and the answer is: all of the above.

Elvis told us that when he faked his own death back in ’77, he’d grown so disillusioned with fame that he just wanted to get back to his grass roots: singing for old folks. Whilst sat on his loo, he concocted a plan to run away to England. He’d heard of a place called Blackpool, where the lights shone so bright and fish and chips still came in a cone…

Elvis was working down the chip shop when Blackpool’s resident Elvis impersonator got run over by a tram. Elvis (the real one) swooped in to take over his role. In his fake royalty second-hand sequin facade, Elvis gyrated and crooned for many a year, playing bingo in Coral Island on his days off until one day, the Ekids took him away.

“They took me to their home planet and studied me for years,” said Elvis. “They slow danced with me to Lady in Red and made me eat pies. I don’t even like pies. And after a while they told me I was of no further use to them, and dumped me back on Earth in this pokey little cave, which I barely fit in, now they’ve bloated me with pies that is. Either their satnav wasn’t working properly, or Blackpool’s a bit of a dark and dingy shit hole nowadays,” he told us.

Elvis is to be reunited with what’s left of his family later today. As yet nobody has been brave enough to tell him his daughter was married to Michael Jackson.