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Islamic State Tops List of Most Obese Countries

By Transparency by Mikael Häggström of original work by FatM1ke (File:ObeseManFrontView.jpg) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Transparency by Mikael Häggström of original work by FatM1ke (File:ObeseManFrontView.jpg) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

A report by the World Health Organisation has listed Islamic State as the most obese nation in the world.

The report has generated controversy across the world as many people do not consider Islamic State a proper nation or country. It also generated controversy within Islamic State itself, as obesity goes against their image.

“We’re supposed to be God’s children, living by God’s law,” an IS fighter told us in a secret meeting. “How can we look credible if God’s law is making us fat? I can barely fit into my clothes, let alone run through deserted buildings being all warrior-like.”

IS’s official response is to blame western media propaganda.

“Oh, you’d love that wouldn’t you?” the statement read. “Our fighters lumbering across the battlefield like camouflaged and confused cows. Too fat and useless to use anti-aircraft weaponry. Yeah, you’d love that to be true, wouldn’t you. Twats.”

The problem has apparently been building for a while, with IS fighters unable to eat a proper diet because they’re always on the move and therefore dependant on junk food and stolen fat from larders. Unfortunately, no-one was aware of the scale of the problem until recently as most IS fighters died young from being blown up before they could grow truly fat. Fighters also had a tendency to wear burkhas and pass as women, so that their burgeoning waistlines would be hidden away.

The WHO has recommended healthy diet regimes for IS fighters, aswell as nutrition information about the main food groups to be written on the sides of their guns.

IS has refused the advice:

“There is no such thing as an obese Muslim. An obese person cannot kneel and pray to God properly, therefore they cannot be a true Muslim. This is just enemy propaganda. You are the fat ones, sitting in your Godless homes with your Peter Kay dvds and your mountains of chips. All hail Islamic State!

“Twats.”

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