A man from Northampton claims to have discovered a fool proof method of avoiding the onset of type 2 diabetes.
“I was sitting in my flat,” John Corrigan told us, “Watching the Antiques Roadshow and breaking in the third packet of wagon wheels, when it suddenly dawned on me. There’s a reason I’m a fat bastard. There’s a reason my doctor has told me to stop shovelling sugary shit into my face or I’ll die. The reason is: I keep shovelling sugary shit into my face. I mean, non-stop. During meals, between meals, sitting on the loo, in work when no-one’s looking. For all I know, in my sleep. I do wake up covered in crumbs. I shovel sugary shit into my face all day, like there’s a shortage and I need to hide it from over-eager ants. So it occurred to me, there’s a simple answer to avoid developing diabetes and losing your toes and eventually your life:
“Stop shovelling sugary shit into your face.”
There must be more to it than that though?, we said to John.
“No. That’s it. It’s just ‘stop shovelling sugary shit into your face’. Amazing isn’t it? This one doctor said I might have ‘hunter-gatherer’ genetics, so my body stores loads of fat and sugar because it thinks I’m eating a mammoth or something and there might not be another one along the tundra for a few months. Thing is, I spent a week with all these other fat people as part of this study, and aswell as having similar genetics, the one other thing they had in common was a tendency to shove lots of sugary shit into their faces. The answer was staring us all in our sugary fat faces.
“All this packaging info is a waste of time, too. Is it in the sweets aisle, or the veg aisle? Sweet? Then fuck off. The trick is just not to eat sugary shit.
“This goes for liquids, too. Turns out having two gallons of pepsi a day is really bad for you. And my body gave me all kinds of obvious signs too, like feeling bloated, burping sick into my mouth and pooing funny. No-one tells you any of this stuff in school. There should be a ‘pay attention to the fucking obvious’ module.”
What are you planning to do now? Eat better and exercise more?
“What’s exercise got to do with it? I’m just going to switch to diet pepsi. That way I can still eat chips and live happily just behind the danger line for my remaining few decades.”
John is currently touring schools with his talk, entitled:
Stop Shovelling Sugary Shit into Your Face.