Kyle Manors has always been a creative man. He was once the foremost designer of top of the range bum-bags and shellsuits, until the market changed and his fortunes dipped. Twenty years and a severe case of clinical Minecraft addiction later, the bedroom tax dealt the final blow, and Kyle found himself homeless and living on the streets of Liverpool.
“I have always prided myself on my ability to adapt, but sadly life was one twist ahead,” he told our reporter.
However, misfortune has not dulled Kyle’s positive nature or his creativity.
“Life is hard on the streets. People living rough are faced with all kinds of dangers, and I wanted to help in any way I could. I no longer have a home or a job to defend, but I can do something for my friends on the street.”
Kyle realised that the homeless people of Liverpool needed a hero, and so he used his creative skills to become one. After rummaging round his local bins he found what he needed, and his super alter-ego was born.
People first became aware of this new vigilante when Saturday night drunks began turning up at A & E complaining of being attacked by a ‘shiny, pointy man’.
“I was laughin’ at this tramp like, on me way to Baa Bar, and then this black shiny creature appeared out of the shop doorway and started smackin’ me on the head,” said one statement released by the police.
“He’s made of brollies! I nearly shat meself, lad,” said another.
Rumours began to spread about this odd hero. Was he real? Was he actually made of umbrellas? It took us a few weeks, but we finally tracked down the man behind the black plastic. Kyle was more than happy to talk to us.
“If my real identity mattered then I wouldn’t have had to become a super hero in the first place. Truth is, people don’t notice a man or woman shivering in a shop doorway, but they do notice a walking mass of black spiky plastic.”
They certainly do. It’s an inventive costume.
“I didn’t really have a choice. Bins are mostly just full of pasty wrappers and brollies. I’m lucky that most people buy crap brollies that break at the first hint of wind.
“Fortunately, it’s actually a really good costume. It keeps the rain off in the winter. Which is essential for a homeless person as we don’t have our own roof. And it has lots of spikes, which deters the council from trying to move me from shop doorways. I can’t fly though. They do look a bit ‘wing’-y, umbrellas, but I fell two stories, so that’s a no.”
How has the public response been?
“Great. They love me in the 24 hour McDonald’s. I keep out the drunk arseholes, and they let me kip on one of their benches. The takings from begging have gone up city-wide too, and more people are buying the Big Issue than ever before. All in all, it’s been a great success.”
Before we go, do you have a superhero name?
“Yes. I am Homeless Man. I personify all all the shortcomings of modern British government and society, and shove them right in everybody’s complacent little face.”
Thank you, Kyle.