Famous Metropolis resident Superman has admitted in an interview that his super powers are completely useless.
“People think it must be great to be able to fly,” he told reporter Lois Lane. “The truth is, it’s actually incredibly dangerous. I’ve never done any flight training. I can’t even drive. I don’t know where the planes are going or what areas to avoid. I can’t do an emergency stop. To top it all, every time I fly I accidentally kill birds. The guilt is really getting to me.
“It’s not even any use. So I can fly from one place to another. So what? Doesn’t mean there’ll be any crimes taking place when I get there. Yeah, I’ve got super hearing, but if there’s four people when I land, I don’t know which one was the handbag thief.
“That super hearing is a nightmare by the way. I can hear everything. I have no idea what the fuck is going on at any one time. It’s like being at the biggest children’s party of all time. It’s a useless power. Useless.
“I think the worst power though is the super strength. It’s too much. I can’t grab a criminal by his collar, I’ll break his neck. I can’t punch anyone in the face without literally knocking their head off. I’m reduced to just shouting abuse at anyone committing a crime.”
Superman also revealed that his powers are useless even in his secret day job in an unspecified office.
“I can move faster than a speeding bullet, but I still can’t type faster than 100 words per minute. Computers can only go so fast. I can’t run fast through the corridors because the sonic boom scares people. I can’t heat my dinner with my laser vision because of worries about radiation. I’m scared of doing anything; I’m crippled by my own supposed ‘super’ powers.
“Man of steel? Man of crap, more like!”