1 Comment

Doctors and Nurses to be Required to Show Passports Before Treating Patients 


Leading Tories have revealed government plans to make doctors and nurses show their passport before treating patients.

Philip Hogman, Earl of Dumbagshire, told us:

“We need to stop health tourism. By making doctors and nurses show their passports we can weed out foreigners who are coming here and providing our healthcare and being paid for it in British money.”

Hogman preempted criticism by saying:

“This is not a racist policy. We simply have to protect our borders. Every foreign person who provides our healthcare is taking a job away from a British person who could in theory also do it provided they were trained. In fact, the policy will by supplemented by plans to introduce special doctor national service, so everyone between 16 and 18 will get a chance to provide healthcare on our NHS for free.”

Mary Outburst from the Guardian said:

“This is just racist bollocks.”

Ian Mcmurmaran from the Independent said:

“This kind of shit is actually happening. IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING!”

Floella Batman, Baroness of Whiteshire, backed the proposals:

“This is the kind of policy the UK needs to get back on its feet. You say the NHS is being understaffed, dismantled and destroyed by racist ill-thought out proposals. I say MAKE BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN!!

This statement was followed by two hours of excited Tory hand clapping.

Leave a comment

We Just Want all your Money Without Interacting With Any of You, May Tells Europe 


In a clear statement that is in no way contradictory or unworkable, PM Theresa May has outlined her party’s stance on what they want from Brexit.

In a speech at Westminster that no-one in Europe got to hear, Theresa May said:

“All we want from the EU when we leave is to continue recieving all the money and trade deals that we currently do, whilst having no interaction at all with anyone who lives on the European mainland. What’s so wrong with that?”

In a statement to the press afterward, she said:

“It’s completely reasonable to want all the money, trade and benefits that come from being in the EU without having to look at anyone who isn’t British. You don’t have to set foot on our landmass to send us money, and you certainly don’t have to come and work here. We already do a good job of employing our native people and educating them and that kind of thing. Nothing wrong there at all. I don’t see the problem.”

Critics (ie, everyone in the UK scared shitless by the lack of any coherent plan for what was a stupid fucking idea in the first place) say May’s plans are unworkable, childish and downright racist.

May shrugged off such claims with some gibberish:

“People say that what we’re asking for sounds like still being in the EU, but with a Nazi salute and a fuck you at the end. But I say Brexit means Brexit, which means whatever it means, which is something that isn’t what you said, or at the very least will be when we decide what it is.”

Meanwhile, a new set of polls are saying that Brexit will never happen, but as we have learnt, listening to polls is a very, very stupid idea.

Leave a comment

The Pound feeling a bit low lately


International currency Pound Sterling has complained of feeling a little ‘low’ recently.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said the concrete form of abstract promise. “I usually feel so strong, ready to go up against any other currency in the market, but lately I just feel… diminished.”

Friends of the currency have noted a change in Pound over the last few weeks.

“He’s not been the same since Brexit,” said US Dollar. “He was always rearing to go whenever out in the market, but lately he just constantly underperforms. Other currencies won’t touch him because they’re afraid he’ll bring them down.”

Pound has been hiding in people’s wallets afraid to come out.

“I used to buy so many imports,” the shiny gold coloured multitude bewailed. “Which was really important because my country’s got nothing to sell. Now, people just think I’m worthless and don’t want to know. It’s not fair, the Leave campaign told me I would increase in size by 350 million a week, but I’m only half the currency I used to be. I’m thinking of going to trading standards.”

Supreme Leader Theresa May has promised Pound that he will pick up once the world realises how amazing it will be to trade with a shitty little island going it alone with no manufacturing base and a population of racist arseholes.

“You’re just a bit stressed,” she told Pound, before patting him on the head and sending him on his way.

As we went to press, Pound still felt small and inconsequential.

Leave a comment

Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren’t Topical Anymore 


A writer of fake news stories has solemnly deleted several unfinished stories after it emerged that they were no longer topical and he was too fucking slow/busy to finish them.

“I was quite proud of some of them,” the careerless wannabe writer told us. “The most recent was Richard Branson’s Bike Unoccupies Him. Neatly encapsulated the Virgin/Corbyn stuff in the news, along with Branson’s bike accident. Unfortunately Branson’s accident was only in the news for one day, and everyone’s forgotten the Corbyn on the floor of a train stuff. So I binned that. I’m assuming Branson’s ok. He looked rough.

“Another one was, Five Minutes Pass Without Somebody Mentioning Trains.

“Binned. It’s been longer than five minutes. And technically people talk about trains a lot. Especially Southern Rail, who everyone in the South seems to hate. I’d have written a story about that but I live in the North and so have no idea. Newsthump and Daily Mash are wiping the floor with me on that one.

“To be honest, most of them were just titles anyway. I could probably get away with just publishing a title if I was brave enough, as people just fill in the rest of the story in their own mind, click ‘like’ and don’t bother to read the full story. It’s what I do.”

The writer says he feels like a weight has been lifted from him.

“There was too many of them. It’s a relief to be honest.

“Some of them were barely jokes: The Human Rights Act to be Replaced by a Pile of Cream Pies; David Cameron Leaves Giant Turd in Number 10 for Theresa May.

“Some were too mean: People With no Desire to Impress Bored Shitless by the Olympics.

“Some too niche: Jeremy Corbyn Possessed by Power of Genesis.

“There was a pile of dead stories about Harambe the gorilla: Gorilla’s Mum to Blame Say People Who Hate Mums; Kaley Cuoco to Star as Harambe in New Film. That last one only makes sense if you watch the Big Bang Theory. It just piggybacked on someone else’s joke. I’m such a lazy twat.”

It is thought that the deletion of these unfinished stories has freed up 7.1 gigabytes of free space on the writer’s WordPress account.

Leave a comment

Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well


The US has been hit by revelations that presidential hopeful Donald Trump is perfectly healthy.

Footage has been released on several occasions that show Trump speaking unintelligibly into a microphone with a look of confusion on his face, a common symptom of Alzheimer’s.

He is also known to exhibit random exclamations of an extreme racist and/or sexist nature, as if he is still living in the 1950s in his mind and is confused about reality.

However, a Trump campaign spokesperson said:

“Oh, that’s just the way he is. He’s real, you see. He’s actually very fit and healthy for a guy of 70.”

This revelation has put many Americans with a healthy sense of fear and morality into a state of panic.

“Wait, this is how he is?” a New Mexico resident told us. “I’d actually begun to hope for the future, but we’re fucked, aren’t we?”

This revelation follows hot on the heels of the news that many Americans would actually vote for Trump despite seeming perfectly healthy themselves.

“TRUMP! USA! WOO! BRITNEY SPEARS! GUANTANAMO! GUNS! TRUMP!” a man on the street informed us.


%d bloggers like this: