thepoetscane

Doctors and Nurses to be Required to Show Passports Before Treating Patients 

Doctors and Nurses to be Required to Show Passports Before Treating Patients 

Leading Tories have revealed government plans to make doctors and nurses show their passport before treating patients. Philip Hogman, Earl of Dumbagshire, told us: “We need to stop health tourism. By making doctors and nurses show their passports we can weed out foreigners who are coming here and providing our healthcare and being paid for […]

We Just Want all your Money Without Interacting With Any of You, May Tells Europe 

We Just Want all your Money Without Interacting With Any of You, May Tells Europe 

In a clear statement that is in no way contradictory or unworkable, PM Theresa May has outlined her party’s stance on what they want from Brexit. In a speech at Westminster that no-one in Europe got to hear, Theresa May said: “All we want from the EU when we leave is to continue recieving all […]

The Pound feeling a bit low lately

The Pound feeling a bit low lately

International currency Pound Sterling has complained of feeling a little ‘low’ recently. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said the concrete form of abstract promise. “I usually feel so strong, ready to go up against any other currency in the market, but lately I just feel… diminished.” Friends of the currency have noted a […]

Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren’t Topical Anymore 

Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren’t Topical Anymore 

A writer of fake news stories has solemnly deleted several unfinished stories after it emerged that they were no longer topical and he was too fucking slow/busy to finish them. “I was quite proud of some of them,” the careerless wannabe writer told us. “The most recent was Richard Branson’s Bike Unoccupies Him. Neatly encapsulated […]

Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well

Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well

The US has been hit by revelations that presidential hopeful Donald Trump is perfectly healthy. Footage has been released on several occasions that show Trump speaking unintelligibly into a microphone with a look of confusion on his face, a common symptom of Alzheimer’s. He is also known to exhibit random exclamations of an extreme racist […]