Leave a comment

Sales of Tiny Violins Soar After Brexit

miniature-violin

The obscure art of tiny violin making has been given a boost after the fallout from Brexit saw sales rise to record levels.

Bill Phillips, a violin shop owner from South Wales, says his shop is now always full of really sarcastic people wanting small violins.

“It’s normally slow in the violin trade. Now I can’t move for angry, sarcastic customers wanting the smallest violin they can get so they can play it during conversations with upset and regretful brexit voters.”

Anne Jenkins, a private music teacher from said she was swamped with work:

“Everyone wants to know how to play a tiny violin. Especially really maudlin music, as it sounds more sarcastic. I voted Remain, but frankly this has been a huge monetary gain for me.”

We caught up with Maz Jones, a Remain voter from Liverpool, who told us:

“I’ve built up the saddest repertoire of violin solos I could find. I use particular pieces depending on what kind of regretful stupidity gets said to me.

“For example, if someone says, ‘I thought they really would put £350 million into the NHS every week,’ I play John Williams’ theme from Schindler’s List. I like to get really close to their face when I do it.

“If they say, ‘I never thought my vote would actually count,’ I play the second movement from the Mendelssohn violin concerto in Em while staring mournfully into middle distance.

“If they say, ‘Christ, this is a nightmare, I really shouldn’t have voted purely on petty nationalist emotion and ignored every expert opinion in the world!’, I play Dreamers Awake by Paul Buckmaster while pretending to get shot in slow motion.

“If they say, ‘Why are all the foreigners still here?’ I shove the violin down their throat and kick them in the shins. It’s alright, I’ve got a bag of spare violins always on my person.

“The coup de grace is that the violins are produced in Poland.”

 

Advertisements

Speak, or forever hold thy tongue...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: