UKIP leader Nigel Farage has been found stabbed to death in a pub, a pint in one hand and his penis in the other.
The offensive weapon, other than his penis, was a polling booth pencil.
UKIP are in disarray, calling for the arrest of all Remain voters and the destruction of all pencils. However, leaders of the Remain campaign insist that Farage’s demise can’t be confirmed as genuine as he was only stabbed with a pencil and not a pen.
“You can’t say he was murdered,” said Sir Richard Branson. “A pencil could be rubbed out. He might have just decided to put some holes in himself, and then someone made it look like a murder.
“Obviously, if it was a pen, we’d definitely know it was murder. You can’t argue with a pen.”
UKIP members claim that the Remain’s argument makes no sense at all, and you can clearly see Farage’s grey fish-faced corpse slowly seeping blood onto a manky pub carpet next to his dropped cigar. However, the Remain camp aren’t having any of it:
“He always looks like that,” said Jeremy Clarkson, who is unexpectedly pro-EU ( petrol is probably cheaper or something else car related). “Maybe his heart gave out. Maybe he’s just having a sleep after lying to people for such a long period of time. There’s no way he was murdered. There was not a shot fired after all.”
There is to be no investigation as no-one liked Farage. His wife has since come out as pro-Remain and has been seen dancing in the streets.