Aries

Psychic Jess says:

This month you will on several occasions eat special toasted bread commemorating the horrific crucifixion of a historical figure who probably wasn’t real anyway. The association with death won’t put you off your food. You will also find yourself eating special eggs made of chocolate commemorating the birth of the Rabbit God, Tiddles, who was a huge fan of chocolate before he was killed by the dark lord Myxamotosis. Since that day, rabbits have no longer laid eggs and are no longer immortal. None of that will put you off either, because you just fucking love eating chocolate.

The rest of April will be a blur as you will basically be in a kind of self-induced chocolate coma. Why did you do it? You said you weren’t going to do it this year. You just fucking love chocolate, don’t you?

Other things will happen, but you won’t care because you’ve got hot cross buns and chocolate. That’s all that will matter to you this month. Stuffing your self-indulgent face till summer arrives. Yeah, that’s it. Just one more piece of chocolate egg.

You will get a wobbly tooth near the end of the month and you will lie awake worrying over whether it was all the chocolate you ate. You’re too young to lose a tooth, you say to yourself. But you know it’s not true. You know.

See you next month, chocolate fans.