Following on from his shock resignation from the Tory party, unlikely conscientious objector Ian Duncan Smith has revealed that he plans to start his own version of the Conservative party: Conservativism Plus.
Speaking to journalists this morning, he said:
“Too long have I stood by and watched myself do things that I disagreed yet agreed with. It is a crying shame that the party and people like me can do what we do without the ethical implications being considered.
“Conservatism Plus will still contain all the nasty policies that voters know and love, but will simultaneously feel bad about it so there’s no need to resign.
“It will use an intersectional approach to fucking over the most vulnerable, making careful note of exactly who gets fucked and in what way, so that we can continue being shitty because we’ve made an effort to think about the consequences.
“We’ll also slag off all the other bad guys, to make us feel better, and so that you will think we must be alright despite all the evidence to the contrary.”
When asked if he thought this new party sounded ridiculous, and if he found it weird that he resigned over policies that he’s been fine with for years, Smith began to scream and split into two separate versions of himself.
It is thought that one of them intends to rejoin the Conservatives.