Under new guidelines any British families deemed to be underperforming will be forced to become academies, the government said today.

The news comes hot on the heels of a government-led enquiry into the ‘family unit’, which revealed that most families were struggling to get by as a result of bad fiscal management by local authority ‘parents’. In many cases the children of these families failed to meet national standards and would probably not earn more than £20,000 a year, putting them at risk of deportation or being forced to live up north.

Once reformed as academies the underperforming families will no longer be under control of the parents, who will act as middle men and women deploying directives handed down from indifferent ministers with law degrees. Finances will instead come directly from government, and from carefully vetted private donors who have promised deep from their loving hearts not to interfere in favour of their own interests.

Mealtimes will now be provided by a joint effort between Tesco and Tommee Tippee. This will cut down on unneccessary expenditure in other supermarkets, and will result in less spillages due to the use of sippy cups.

Evenings will be regulated by npower, who will turn off any lamps after 10pm if anyone takes the piss by reading or staying awake.

Quality family time will be organised by the local Territorial Army regiment. A happy family is very important in creating a happy Britain, so enjoyment is mandatory. Anyone who is not pulling their weight will be dishonourably discharged from the family unit and forced to join the Night’s Watch (the Hadrian’s Wall expansion project begins early next year).

A family unit is considered to be a cohabiting collection of two or more people. Under the new rules, anyone who is still single by the age of 25 will be considered either dysfunctional or a liar.