Following on from his success in getting the UN to recognise the avoidance of arrest as somehow being detained against your will, Julian Assange has decided to see what other bullshit he can get away with. As of today he has petitioned the UN to recognise rape as ‘the unlawful and arbitrary detention of the penis’.

Assange has been under threat of arrest in the UK since being accused of rape by two women in Sweden in 2010. To escape this arrest, he has been living in the Ecuadorian embassy in London for over three years, alternating between tweeting about himself in the third person on Twitter via his laptop, and crying under the couch. Extracts from his personal diary about his time in the embassy, can be found on our site here.

At first glance the petition seems ridiculous, but then who would have thought voluntarily hiding from lawful arrest could be defined as being arbitrarily detained? Other than Kim Jong-Un, no-one.

Assange has said:

“The British government has forced me against my will be detained involuntarily by myself in a building which I involuntarily walked into. This is wrong. It is also wrong that I have been accused of this offense known as ‘rape’. The truth is my penis was unlawfully detained involuntarily by myself in the vaginas of two women. This is how reality works now, and I intend to get it recognised so I can carry on releasing everybody’s secrets except my own.”

If Assange succeeds, reality will officially be recognised as having been arbitrarily detained by itself.

Other UN petitions in the pipeline include:

• Gemma Collins calling for her time in the Big Brother house to be classed as ‘arbitrary detainment’.
• Terry Wogan to be classed as ‘alive’.
• The war in Iraq to be classed as an ‘accident’, because ‘Iraq simply walked in front of our bombs’.

Tony Blair is confident of success in the latter.