What follows is an open letter to the Earth, from alien race the Ekids…
Please pay close attention if you are over the age of thirty or unable to work for whatever reason.
It will come as no surprise to you, if you have the Internet or any friends at all, that many of your beloved ones have been taken from you recently. The Starman, the one from The Eagles that wasn’t Don Henley, that drunk Irish dude and that bloke from Die Hard. No, not Bruce Willis. He’s not scheduled to go until November.
Anyhow, here’s the deal. We want your planet and we want you! To work for us as slaves until you die. But that’s where we hit a snag. A lot of you are old or infirm, or just plain old lazy and useless. We had brainstorming after brainstorming session trying to think of a solution to this. If you wish to see them, there are pie charts and fish bone charts and inappropriate acronyms like Take Initiative Today. All available to download on PDF.
So, to cut a long story short, one day we were Netflix and Chillin’ and we stumbled across Logan’s Run. Y’know, that movie with whatsherface and thingymajig. So there you have it. We’re starting with the older crowd. The famous ones that you will miss. Whilst you’re mourning them you’re much more likely to succumb, and much less likely to notice us passing bills through parliament. Then, when we’ve killed off all the over-30s, we’ll move on to the ill-educated women and children and the infirm. Then hey presto, a society of strong, male, preferably white workers.
We would like to take a moment to quash the rumour that is circulating: we are most definitely not David Cameron and his cronies dressed in stupid green alien costumes that we bought from Smiffy’s, talking bullshit to cover our clearly genocidal tendencies.
The resemblance to any government tactic past or present is purely coincidental.
We are aliens, aliens taking over. D’you hear that?
Remember, we are watching you: