“Following the recent ‘Aver’lanche, Hurricane Avery is set to hit New York imminently,” said President Fassbender. “Please lock up your wives and daughters.”
A weather expert at Manitowoc County Police Force, Constable Ivan Plant PhD deduced that the hurricane was started by twice convicted innocent felon Steven Avery, from his locked prison cell:
“We heard he stomped on a stray butterfly and the next thing we knew, a snowman in NYC had caused an avalanche. There’s no way that’s just coincidence.”
The snowman’s melted remains found in New York City yesterday are said to possess Avery’s DNA with no possible explanation as to how it got there unless Avery himself is personally responsible for building him. And by building him, therefore responsible for the floods, the snow, the hurricane, the avalanche and the increasing price of petrol.
“I searched the whole of New York myself,” said president Fassbender. “After the NYPD failed to find any incriminating evidence. I managed to find evidence all over the place. For example, sweat from Avery’s left armpit was found on the snowman’s scarf, on his carrot nose and on my hand after I shook his. Avery’s fingerprint was also found on a snowflake in Central Park. I also secured a full confession from someone who wasn’t there at the time and doesn’t know what snow is. And it only took me three and a half hours of illegal interrogation of an unaccompanied minor using the Reid Technique to achieve this. Success! I have therefore deduced that Avery was responsible for the snowvalanche that is currently wreaking havoc in NYC. And as we suspected all along, Avery is a time traveling shape shifter. If you can give me another more plausible explanation, I beg you to.”
The Armchair Warriors and the rest of the general public thought long and hard before voting on the matter and have opted to have Avery and his underage accomplice transferred to a prison in a US state which has yet to repeal the death penalty.
Critics of the new Avery findings have been told to “button it”.