What follows is an open letter to the famed entrepeneur Richard Branson, by should-be-famous entrepeneur Gerard Nickleby…

By User:David Shankbone [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

I too am an entrepeneur, and I have discovered a foolproof way that you could save money. I suggest that you take me on as an advisor, with a 51% share in all revenue from the savings made via the use of my idea.

Basically, stop all of Virgin Media’s junk mail. I know you don’t actually run the company these days, but you must hang around their offices and stuff. Just burn all the ‘dear householder’ letters. There’s millions of them. I get two every week, and I’m already with Virgin. It’s a veritable rainforest of paper.

You know it will work. And it will make people very happy. That’s all that you want, because I can tell by the way you smile in your adverts. You’re a lovely guy.

I’ve got plenty of other ideas too:

• Reduce the number of complaints to Virgin Rail by getting rid of your special customer service booths (do you still own Virgin Rail?).
• Give up on the hot air balloon business (were you in the hot air balloon business? They were in your adverts). It’s a waste of time now we’ve invented planes. It’s just a load of ‘hot air’ (HAHAHAHA!).
• Pour your money into my new company, ‘Gerard’s Sandwiches’. There’s a market for good railway sandwiches, and I’m the man to fill it (with great sandwich fillings! HAHAHAHA!). Your cash is the best cash. (I apologise if you actually make the sandwiches at railway stations. Do you own Ginsters?)

There’s more where they came from.

So employ me now. Here are my bank details:

Gerard Obsequious Nickleby

9887 353 873

You know it makes sense, Richard.

I am a king of busines. I am a genius of ideas. I’ve never been on The Apprentice because Alan Sugar doesn’t deserve me. But you do. You are like Noel Edmonds, but cool. You are the sexy king of business.

If you employ me, I will be the Smithers to your Burns.

I love you,

Gerard Nickleby.