Santa Claus was pronounced dead today after suffering from a soot-related illness.
In a tearful statement to the Lapland press, Mrs Claus said:
“My husband loved his work, but despite years of campaigning for better work conditions, it was all too little too soon. The soot from all those chimneys proved too much and he fell ill this year, and died at home surrounded by elves and family.”
Santa’s son, Gary, wasn’t so calm:
“You bunch of utter cockwipes. He gave you free stuff every year and yet he still had to climb down dirty chimneys. You’ve only just closed down your last coalmine, you backwards fuckwits. Not content with destroying the environment, you had to kill my dad, too. He was only a few hundred years old. You know what, I’m supposed to be taking over the family business, but the only thing you’ll be getting down your soot-ridden death chutes this year is a letter. From my lawyer. I’m suing every last one of you. Merry fucking Christmas, you wankers.”
It is thought that Gary will most likely sell the family business. Amazon are predicted to be the winning bidder.