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John the Baptist to sue St John’s Ambulance Service

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John the Baptist has filed a lawsuit against St John’s Ambulance service, demanding that they remove his name from their title.

“It’s offensive,” he told BBC News this morning. “They use my name to advertise their service, despite the fact that I’ve been waiting 2000 years for them to show up. I was in a lot of pain. It didn’t end well, if you must know.”

St John’s Ambulance responded:

“He really shouldn’t be losing his head over this. It’s just a name. He won’t win. We certainly won’t be handing over any money on a silver platter at any rate.”

Legal pundits say John is unlikely to win, as it is unclear which John the ambulance service is named after:

“They’re named after Jesus’s disciple John, not John the Baptist. I think,” said Jeremy Leegalese. “Wait, are they both saints? I think they might even be the same person? Which one wrote the gospel of John? Isn’t there another John, too? My, this is really confusing.”

It is thought that if John the Baptist does win, then it will lead to a flurry of similar cases. Many saints are already calling for name changes to many countries and provinces. San Antonio in particular have had to put up with a lot of abuse from St Anthony:

“I’ve never even fucking been there!” he told our reporter.

The makers of Catherine wheels are said to be consulting their lawyers.

 

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